How in different countries boys became men. When boys become men

Almost every girl has at least once wondered whether she is dating a real man or a boy in front of her, whether this man keeps his promises or wastes his words. Psychological maturity is not related to age. Its absence can become a serious problem for relationships, because such a person simply will not have respect for women. But there are also those who were able to achieve the required level of development. These men are reliable and know how to behave with dignity. Of course, there is no ideal, but there is still an advantageous difference between men and boys. How to determine which category your chosen one belongs to? Study the traits that distinguish a man from a boy and decide for yourself.

A man is confident in himself, but does not brag about his successes

The boy is arrogant and ready to brag about his every achievement, constantly demonstrating his level. However, there is a fine line between being proud of your achievements and telling everyone you meet about them. A self-confident man is able to demonstrate his successes in an appropriate way, because he does not consider it necessary to prove his importance to others, while a boy seeks attention and is ready to humiliate others in order to look better himself. He will seek the attention of girls and demonstrate himself in in social networks for the approval of others. The main difference: one seeks adoration at any cost, while the other receives affection without effort. One just makes noise out of nothing, while the other exudes confidence and strength.

A man directly voices his intentions because he respects his partner's feelings

Boys love to play with their feelings and constantly think about different possibilities with other girls when dating one. The man is open and honest from the very beginning. There is no need to solve riddles with him; he communicates when he wants to communicate, and not at the moment prescribed by far-fetched rules of relationships. If he experiences strong feelings and wants to start more serious relationship, he will show it. If there are no feelings, he won’t hide it either. He won't date just like that. The boy can continue the relationship by choosing the next girl. You won't even be able to understand what type of relationship you have, you won't be able to discuss it. You'll feel like your relationship is a never-ending game, but even the thought of talking about it will seem daunting.

A man communicates openly with his chosen one and is able to resolve any conflict.

In a quarrel, boys prefer to blame exclusively their partner and refuse to look at what is happening from the outside, and then simply move on without solving the problem. Conflicts and the ability to resolve them are the most important question. A man will never be afraid of the possibility of discussion. He will respectfully listen to his partner’s opinion, and then share his own; he will be ready to seek a compromise. A man does not ignore the negative aspects of a relationship; he understands that an unresolved problem will only get worse in the future. Moreover, he carefully monitors his partner’s emotions and understands them. The boy doesn't care. The main thing for him is to avoid discussion at all costs and not think about emotions. He will prefer not to communicate for several days, “to cool down,” and then he will pretend that nothing happened. The man perceives the problem as a chance to strengthen the relationship, and the boy runs away from problems like fire.

A man will respect his partner for who she is

The boy is only interested in outer beauty, intelligence is indifferent to him. Appearance is only part of the personality, so a mature man is interested in his partner as a whole; both body and soul are important to him. He admires the personality of the chosen one, the kind of person she is, not taking into account makeup and wardrobe. For him, his beloved is not a trophy that will amuse the ego and that can be shown to friends. The most attractive traits for a man are intelligence, wit, humor, little things known only to the two of you. The boy just wants to find the most attractive girl for himself; he dreams that she will always look perfect. He will impose narrow standards of beauty on his chosen one, without thinking about who she really is. If something does not correspond to his ideas, he will prefer to find one that fits the fictitious picture of the ideal better.

The man supports the chosen one’s career growth and helps her strive for her goal

The boy always wants to be the center of attention, and if the situation does not meet his expectations, he will immediately begin to complain. Therefore, a partner with a developing career is not suitable for him. While focusing on work, she receives accusations that she is not a very good girl. The boy will immediately prefer to find another mate. Even the idea of ​​this is disgusting to a man, he is confident in himself and is ready to support the career path of his chosen one. He believes in her abilities and is willing to wait if necessary. He has his own ambitions, so he understands that his partner can have them too. The boy is unpleasant if he is not the center of attention; he himself does not know what he expects from his future, so he lives only for today. He needs to be taken care of. A man inspires, but a boy undermines someone else's success.

A man trusts his chosen one and gives her freedom of choice

The boy constantly doubts, he is not confident in himself, so jealousy constantly gets the better of him. Where there is no confidence, there is no trust, and as a result, relationships simply cannot be calm and stable. A man is able to respect the time and personal space of his chosen one, he does not doubt anything, which means he is not going to arrange interrogations. He knows that his partner is capable of making the right decisions herself. The boy is ready to blame and constantly questions the connection. Trusting requires maturity. The boy never has enough of her, which is why difficulties constantly arise in the relationship.

A man always has time for his partner

The boy can calmly say that he is too busy. There are different moments in life, and sometimes there really are more things to do than usual. But this does not mean that you need to erase your partner from your life. Relationships will only be strong when everyone is willing to put in the effort. A man will find an opportunity to see his loved one in any case. He won’t spend every minute of his life next to you, but he will find a way to show that he cares. There is no need to fight for his attention. The boy tries only when the girl has not yet submitted, and then all the time he pretends that he has no time in order to seem more important. A real man does not need such primitive tactics. He knows how important it is to be attentive and present in the life of another person, so he is ready to make an effort.

A man knows what a real man should do

And the boy prefers to be a carefree boy. Each of them knows the difference, each makes his own choice about what kind of person to become. This is noticeable in everything: in clothing, behavior. Every action speaks about a person’s psychological age. In a word, the difference between a man and a boy is only in what lifestyle they choose themselves. No one understands how difficult it is to be a responsible person, but he high standards do not allow him to behave differently, the other prefers life without unnecessary difficulties. Not wanting to grow up is a conscious choice that will tell you a lot about the person in front of you.

Son, you have only reached the first level of adulthood. This is the age of majority, which means that you, and only you yourself, are responsible for your actions before society, people, and yourself. You have mastered the basic, basic, underlying, obligatory things and knowledge that give reason to believe that you are well versed in the concepts of “good - bad”, “right - wrong”, “legal - illegal”. You are well socialized and have already acquired a profession that has a high purpose - to sow “reasonable, good, eternal”, to awaken high and noble feelings in people, trying to evoke real emotions with your performance on stage. So that the public, or rather, every person who comes to the performance, can understand, know what they need, but are still not known. And, having comprehended what he saw, he tried to become better, smarter, kinder, more tolerant, happier. So that what he saw and felt in the process of a living, albeit written and staged part of life by someone, would become a confirmation of the correctness of his current life and a guideline for his further path. In any case, I go to the theater in order to better understand myself, other people, to look into their thoughts and feelings with the help of art and to penetrate into the complex mechanisms that drive our internal system values, choices, personal happiness.
A scene is only a small, conventional, but created in a certain logical sequence, and then reproduced section of a person’s internal-external experiences. The play is a story about how everyone, finding themselves in difficult situation, which life constantly throws up, resolves them. How people, trying to understand the patterns of life phenomena, penetrate beyond subtler, sometimes invisible boundaries human psyche. To better understand yourself and others, meet yourself, ask yourself, WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? WHY AM I? And answer these questions honestly.
But we don’t immediately become ourselves. As soon as life plunges us into other conditions and circumstances that are not familiar to us, we change. Sometimes for a long time, sometimes in an instant. What has already been experienced cannot be erased from life, and what remains to be learned does not come into our hands on its own: we gain knowledge and experience, the art of recognizing people through experiences, suffering, anxiety, excitement, dissonance caused by the discrepancy between our usual understanding and and what happens in our lives. Since we react to events with delight or pain, it means that it is not indifferent to us. And any ending had a beginning, development, culmination and completion as a result of previous actions - all according to the laws of the genre. In life, as in a play. In drama, as in life.
Agree that the work of a talented writer is a piece of life, albeit an artificially recreated situation, which has a pattern, a hidden mechanism, a mystery, an intrigue that reveals the main idea and the main goal. The viewer comes to the theater to penetrate into what does not lie directly on the surface, but is hidden from view. To delve into the psychology and mentality of the characters, to explain their actions. Compare with what he himself would have done if he had found himself in similar cases.
The public is waiting for insight, catharsis, feeling compassion or hatred for those people-images who are now acting on the stage as real people whom they have managed to feel and understand. Actors become carriers of the meaning conveyed through them. They are part of those expressive means with the help of which the viewer achieves an emotional upsurge and understands the meaning for which he came. For the work of thoughts, feelings, emotions of the audience, the troupe acts as a certain intermediate means between the author, the director, the actor’s own understanding of the role and, perhaps, God. And the background, scenery and other attributes with the help of which the complex mechanism of the human psyche is activated in order to arouse in the viewer an idea that will help construct new feelings so that they become a new, personal property. People who come supposedly to WATCH THE PERFORMANCE, voluntarily or involuntarily, actively or passively, become participants in the action taking place in the hall. Theater is a wonderful school of life, but life is more complex and interesting than theater, because in the spotlight the influence goes on the viewer, and in life - on yourself and the people around you, close, dear, significant and not so significant.
To you, my son, who has been performing on stage for many years and knows the theater laboratory better than me, I say this to say that life is a natural environment in which each of us is immersed. And in this life there are many phenomena, accidents and meanings that you need to go through in order to fish out your idea, to find your foundation, your core, in order to make your life better and happier. You can play love, passion, hatred, envy, jealousy on stage, based on emotional memory, special techniques, techniques and means of expression - all this is the actor’s working tools, his “secret suitcase”. But if you use your own emotions for this every time you play, then energetic resources will quickly be spent, it will come professional burnout and, as a result, disappointment in work. Consume personal resources constantly, and our emotions are given to us for real life, unprofessional. Otherwise, you can confuse virtual and real life, and this is the first sign of future neuroticism. Even if the actor thinks that his feelings are similar or completely coincide with the experiences of his character, which gives him encouragement, inspiration, passion, he still PLAYS A ROLE.
I hope I correctly understand the essence of your chosen profession. And I say this so that you understand: everything in life is natural, natural, unpredictable. Always spontaneity and improvisation coming from the heart. And that's great. But, unfortunately, it is impossible to replay and change what has been done and said. You know this, we talked to you about it. Now I remembered this in order to emphasize how important it is to understand the IDEA, CONCEPT, MEANING of your life. You are now writing acts of your life every moment. And every action will lead you either forward, or backward, or to doubt (that is, marking time), and time is priceless.

Mom and I did everything to ensure that you were independent, could make decisions and be responsible for their consequences. But just as no clothing can be made to last, to last a lifetime and for all future occasions, so our knowledge cannot be learned in advance. We grow up only when we lack our previous experience, because we find ourselves in a situation of deficiency caused by loss, conflict, betrayal, rejection, misunderstanding, slander, we begin to look for new resources, since we lack the old ones, because before this period we had not encountered similar problem. And HOW we think, what conclusion we come to and how our thoughts lead to our actions will show us what we are really worth! What we are like in real life, and not in the bustle of socially encouraged models of behavior in which it was so easy and convenient for us until now.
And we could continue to live like this, but... PAIN! SUFFERING! RESULT! These are the stumbling blocks that you cannot pass by. They need to be understood. Been through. Become more mature. What is pain, son? The feeling that something is wrong in our body. What do we do in these cases? We are being treated. We look for folk remedies or take medications and do not say that “time heals,” but we understand that we need active time, and not just hope that everything will pass on its own, enormous patience and consistent and systematic treatment so that the disease recedes and immunity is restored. further made us more resistant to THIS disease and to others too.
Do you know why we are given PAIN? So that we understand that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH US! We found the REASON. They influenced her. ACCEPTED. WE WAIT. WE STANDED IT. BECOME MORE CAREFUL. BE CAREFUL. CLEVERER. The same thing happens with mental pain. You can’t lay down straws for all occasions, especially if you’re walking along an unfamiliar road. If you meet Different people. If you don’t know how you will behave in certain (unforeseen) cases. Still, it’s good that we have a staff (rod, compass, landmark) that continues to show right direction, and it’s nice to see that, while suffering, you don’t rush around like a teenager, but are looking for new, serious ways to solve complex issues. I won’t lie, I would like to help you, ease your suffering, but... then you won’t understand much in life. But I want to talk to you, tell you what I consider important, what I myself understood, although I understand that this is not enough. You are completely different. And your living conditions are different. And the profession is not the same as mine. Due to my profession, I early encountered the underbelly of life associated with the fight against the criminal world, and it took me a lot of effort not to become embittered, not to sell out, but to remain an honest person.
You and I are different, but you are my son. And what I can do to help you is to remind you how much I love you, how dear you are to me, to support, to tell, to reflect with you on the most difficult tasks, which life puts.
Here it is, your first ADULT pain. At one moment, some illusions collapsed, rosy-romantic hopes that one could live carefree, cheerfully, simply. That you can think that everything is fine, and you don’t need to do anything for your own happiness: they just chose you, you fell in love and everything is fine, then it will always be like this, just live and rejoice, accept and give. If this happens, at least for a while, you are already lucky! You just found it and used it. But I didn’t lose it. And now, when what seemed to be your property has disappeared, gone, disappeared, you begin to understand why people actually suffer, suffer, perform feats, write poetry, do good. Or they begin to drink, take revenge, kill themselves or others, sink to the bottom and lose their human appearance.
Here it is, this terribly beautiful place where someone grows wings, and someone has an animal grin and a desire to curse THIS, taking out their pain on the one who, as it seems to him, brought it and... stop being person. You can, having taken the bit between your teeth, make a stupid (because superficial and childish) conclusion that it is better to bypass strong feelings, not to build long-term relationships, not to trust women, to dose out feelings and thereby lose the true taste of life almost forever. If you button your shirt with the wrong button, it doesn’t matter how you button the rest: it will be all wrong anyway. Therefore, it is better to make any decision, action, deed thoughtfully, to act for sure, so as not to waste time and energy on “re-buttoning” later.
After all, any pain can help you rise to new heights in understanding what true love is, why you need it, are you ready to love and correlate the answers to these questions with your skills, abilities and talents and understand, sadly it may be, that you until you reach Great love. There is something (yet) missing in you. Probably, your bright little head has not yet reached an understanding of WHAT it means to LOVE. That now you will have to not only cry, whine because you were underestimated, abandoned, deprived of a free delicacy, but also sweat in order to earn this delicacy! To do this, you need to look deeper into yourself and ask, what am I worthy of? What did I do to deserve respect, love, loyalty? Because the truth is, so far NOTHING. They gave you a “toy” and took it away, although you haven’t had time to play enough yet...
But, you must admit, the “toy”, no matter how seriously you take it, was not yours to begin with. A person will never be the property of another (such times have come since 1861!). And a person’s feelings cannot remain unchanged: everyone grows, changes beyond recognition... just like you yourself, only you yourself don’t notice it. Or, on the contrary, someone remains, like frozen plaster, in the once accepted form (perhaps even you). This doesn't happen to living people. Their states, emotions, desires and needs must be taken into account constantly. And here again there are difficulties: either you adapt, or you try to adapt the other to yourself... Sometimes it works. But even if initially there was love in the relationship (many people call this concept not what it means, but mutual sympathy, passion, affection), then it quickly ends. For by subjugating and submitting, a person is deprived of his natural freedom. And love does not live in captivity. This - songbird, and sings only when he wants! But her song is amazing!!!
But she can sing not only for you! And that's her right! Here it is, the moment of truth! If, loving a person and receiving reciprocity, you believed that the main thing was to make your beloved happy, then now that she has flown away, what are you worried about and worried about? To keep her in any way (confession, promises, tears, requests), because without her YOU will be hurt, bad, lonely? Then your verdict: you are a complete egoist. A child who cannot tear himself away from the usual bottle of milk, which someone prepared and gave to him, but he only consumed.
Or are you more concerned about whether she, your beloved, will be happy without you? And hope that she will be disappointed in the one with whom she exchanged you (and you will also help in this, trying to cast him in an unfavorable light). And will you want her, having endured and suffered from your rival, to return to you, realizing that you are better? And you will accept her, forgive her... The conclusion is the same: incurable, hopeless selfishness! inability to love (egoists do not have love! They demand dependence and unquestioning submission to their rules and desires). This means she did the right thing in leaving you: you didn’t love HER because you are not capable of high feelings that require nobility. Most likely, you loved your feelings for her; my love; the state that you experienced during your carefree communication. Summary: She won't come. You are not the best. And, if he returns someday, he will never forgive your cheap “generosity.”
Maybe you can start minimizing its significance for yourself? This makes it easier and faster to cope with the first feelings of resentment felt by a person who considers himself undeservedly abandoned. So, they say, she encroached on wealth, material goods, future career, etc. I won’t continue... It’s really EASIER, but not smart. Bottom line: you didn’t know her, didn’t love her (and don’t even know what that means). And it’s not about her anymore (other people’s feelings are inaccessible to us, and we can endow people with them not for their benefit, but so that in comparison with them, ours look real, sincere and pure and therefore better!) “and it’s worthless if she chose someone else over me, like that... etc. And he, that one, is worse - and that’s important”) I won’t continue (disgusting). These reflections are far from the word “love,” although someone may quickly be reassured and brought into compliance. But this means only one thing: she understood this “rotten board” in your bridge before you, and you got what you deserved. I know that you don’t think so, but I do, for contrast.
Perhaps you are thinking about whether the one you think you love or loved will be happy with someone else? Will HE, your rival, provide her with a comfortable state of mind? And you are busy thinking about what YOU can do for her balance and peace: leave her view, so as not to disturb, not to irritate, not to remind? Remain a friend and always be ready to help if needed? Now, it's already warmer. This is closer to the essence of you, human. Because it's clear that you respect her choice. And your pride is not harmed by the rejection of you: you know your worth, your honor and dignity did not suffer from the fact that your woman (even if she was yours for some time, thank her for that!) found her way, her companion, her fate. What can you do? Conduct it mentally with great lines: “I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly, as God grant you, loved to be different.” And try to understand that this is the best thing you can do both for her and for YOURSELF. this makes your soul warmer, your thoughts brighter, the next (but not the last, not the only, but new) love more real and you are really moving towards it!
Now you are more ready to understand a woman in order to choose (like everyone else, by trial, error, disappointment) the one you need. Because love is joy, reciprocity, knowing and feeling each other... and much more that you have to understand... because the quality of your life lies in HOW you put together the new construction of your life "LEGO" (although this is incredibly more difficult: in a life constructor, you need to create and make the missing parts yourself). Do you have enough intelligence, strength, kindness, and spiritual generosity so that your first meeting with another world, hitherto incomprehensible to you, would be a wise step towards your true self?
I believe in you, my son, and I know that you will become a real man, and you will feel good about it. But you will achieve this by difficult but rewarding work on your weaknesses in order to become worthy of the love of the best woman in the world, whom you choose yourself. And you will get to know her well. And you will never hold her back with anything (she is always free, just like you). And nothing but the desire to be together by mutual choice and love will be important.
And you know that, perhaps, very soon you yourself will find yourself in the place of the one who left for another, no matter what motives, as it seems to you, she was guided by. Because you have to learn to say goodbye. Leave. Meet. Start off. And do not oblige anyone to be faithful to previously given promises and feelings.
Because the next stage of life is much better, more interesting than what has already happened. More important than the stage, although the stage too good school life. But real, real life is completely captivating and the ending is unpredictable. And nothing can be repeated.

Children always somehow unexpectedly become adults. Especially boys. Just yesterday it was a tiny miracle in a romper, and today “it” is already making a date with a pretty classmate and hiding a condom in his pocket. And this is still a very rosy scenario for the boy’s sexual development! More often than not, things are different. If mothers and children’s gynecologists hold “political conversations about this” with girls, then boys are educated by their older comrades.

And experience, the son of difficult mistakes, and genius...

“I always believed that a guy should get sex education through his own experience,” says father of two sons Alexey Belov. “My brother and I grew up this way.” Our parents demonstrated every kind of chastity, and I learned where children come from from friends in our yard. He followed the same principle with his sons. The only difference is that the younger Danka was born when the eldest Andrey was already 5.5 years old. He saw that my mother’s belly had grown, and, naturally, he asked questions. His wife explained something to him, showed him books and so on. But I thought that all this was unnecessary vanity and languor of spirit. The time will come, and the guy will find out everything himself. This year the time has come. A couple of months ago, our boy brought a girl to visit and said that she was pregnant with his child. My wife and I almost went gray overnight. Children are 10 years old and they say this! I couldn't even imagine that this was physically possible. Of course, there was a scandal, a long showdown with the girl’s parents, a trip to a pediatric gynecologist and psychologists. Fortunately, everything worked out fine. The children started playing petting and unknowingly imagined “consequences.”

During this time, we lost our son’s trust and are now restoring it literally bit by bit. I had to radically reconsider my position “when he grows up, he’ll find out everything on his own” and start communicating with Andrey on intimate topics. It was very difficult at first. He constantly pulled himself together so as not to grin and slide into pathos and moralizing. Everyone watched an erotic film together, and I explained that intimacy is great, beautiful and wonderful, but you still need to grow into it. It was wild for me to watch an adult film (even the most “innocent” one) together with a 10-year-old boy. But judging by the questions my son asked me, science has come to fruition. Andrey and I also went to a bookstore and chose several books “about this” for him. The selection of such literature for teenagers is quite large. On the advice of a psychologist, we settled on the books: “101 questions about love and sex. Sexual encyclopedia for children 11-14 years old" Virginie Dumont, Serge Montagna, M. Sobe-Panek, " Sex life teenagers Discovering the secret world of growing boys and girls" by Lynn Ponton, "1001 questions about this" by Vladimir Shakhidzhanyan and the discs "BBC: Man and Woman". Andrey watches BBC films with younger brother and explains to the child incomprehensible moments. Although for now the main question that worries our four-year-old Danil is “why do I need balls for my peepers?”

Who is in charge of the bazaar?

– The birth of a boy, in addition to purchasing clothes of blue color, requires reasonable and coordinated interaction from everyone involved in raising a child (parents, grandparents, nanny), - believes family consultant, andrologist Dmitry Ivanov. – If medical and hygienic aspects should be left to doctors ( pediatric urologist, andrologist and other specialists), then the correct sex-role education of a boy is the exclusive prerogative of loved ones. A boy's gender identification occurs much earlier than we think, and it is formed under the influence of surrounding events. This includes the relationship between parents, communication with the older generation, and the influence of brothers and sisters. Even a toy plays a significant role in the formation of “boyish” behavior. The right choice of toys will determine who the boy will prefer to be friends with. kindergarten: I like dolls - with girls, tanks - with boys. After the boy realizes his gender, he begins to copy “male” behavior using the example of his father, grandfather and other men he respects. Therefore, “models” must strive to be worthy of imitation.

As boys grow up, they will constantly have questions about their reproductive system. Children will learn anatomy from each other in early age. Parents will only need a slight adjustment of terms and concepts. And the issues of changing one’s body during puberty, sex, and childbirth are a special and very important topic.

– Who better to talk to a boy about these topics? Mom, dad, or leave it to the Internet, television, school and doctors?

– You shouldn’t count on school and doctors. Pediatric urologists and andrologists are rare and hard-to-reach specialists, and at school sex education is taught mainly by peers. Therefore, this mission is entrusted to the parents, and by pushing it to the margins or avoiding reality, one can reap an extremely undesirable harvest from complexes, venereal diseases, pregnant young friends and other unpleasant “surprises”. Modern means information - the Internet, television, advanced friends - can hardly be considered examples of sexual education; rather, they lead to perverted concepts. What to do: prohibit the Internet, communication with suspicious friends, and lock yourself in dark room, talk about “this”? You will see for yourself that this will only cause shock or wild laughter.

– At what age is it better to start talking “about this”?

– Seriously though, we need to start from early childhood and not with sexual stories, but with establishing trust relationships with baby. This is what will become the basis for subsequent close relationships, and they will be useful not only for enlightenment in intimate matters, but also in others important matters. There is no particular difference whether a boy grows up in a complete family or is raised by one mother; trust is the main thing in any case. And then with any questions, and there will be many of them, your son will turn to you. You don’t have to become a professional sexologist, but you will have to read specialized literature, and children’s versions can be “slipped” to your child. It is preferable that the topic of sex be discussed with the father, of course, if there is one. A conversation on the topic of sex requires both theoretical and moral preparation. When you tell your son “about this,” a stupidly guilty smile and allegorical neologisms are hardly appropriate. You shouldn’t call your penis “pee-pee-pussy” or your testicles “balls” if you expect to have a serious conversation that is accessible to a child. Use generally accepted terms without slang, demonstrate the seriousness and significance of the topic.

– At what age and what can you tell?

– If the boy asked, then immediately, in a language understandable and accessible to his age. There are no clear time standards. If anatomy can be discussed from three to six years, then the topic of the manifestation of secondary sexual characteristics (growth of the testicles, penis, pubic hair, voice mutation, adequate erections) is covered before their onset. Secondary sexual characteristics begin to appear at 11-12 years of age, but a deviation of one year in either direction is not uncommon. Therefore, by the age of 9-10, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and be ready to communicate with your child on “forbidden” topics. During puberty, it is advisable to show the boy to a pediatric urologist annually so as not to miss any developmental abnormalities. What should you be concerned about? High or short stature, sexual development ahead or behind peers, overweight bodies. Parents should know that in case of a disorder of sexual development, untimely or belated contact with doctors can lead to irreversible consequences for the child. reproductive system child and in the future cause infertility. Special attention deserves puberty - a time of hormonal storm and intensive development of the whole organism. During this period, boys experience a lot of psychological problems (falling in love, difficulties in relationships with adults). Feeling yourself ugly duckling may lead to the appearance of complexes. Understanding by adults the reasons for a teenager's defiant and demonstrative behavior will make it easier to weather this storm, using diplomacy rather than authoritarianism. The main thing is to maintain constant contact with the child, and if you lack your resources, resort to specialists.

What a boy should know *

* Age criteria were used from Valery Saltykov’s book “I know everything about sex. And you?"

Medical experts will tell you that a boy is considered biologically a man when his genitals become fully functional. Others will say that a child becomes a man only if he behaves like a “macho man” - fights, drinks a lot of alcohol or has sex without thinking about protection. There are also those who believe that a man (regardless of age) can be called a real man only if he has certain character traits - courage, self-esteem, nobility.

In general, when a boy becomes a man it is controversial issue. But in some parts of the world, becoming a real man is very easy (or vice versa - not easy, it depends on how you look at it). All the boy needs is to take part in the initiation ritual, which involves severe physical or mental pain.

1. Canada - erasing childhood memories

The Algonquin tribe considers childhood to be merely an obstacle to becoming a real man. For this reason, they conduct initiation rites aimed at completely erasing childhood memories in boys.

Young members of the tribe sit in special cages from 14 to 21 days, and they are not allowed to eat anything except a very powerful hallucinogen - visokkan. It not only leads to memory loss, but also causes other side effects- loss of speech, cardiopalmus, severe hallucinations, aggression, inability to move, weakness and even death.

After two to three weeks, the young initiates are released from their cages and questioned. If they have completely forgotten their childhood, they have gone through the ritual and are now considered real men. If they still have at least some memories, then the cruel ritual will have to go through again.

2. Ethiopia - Bull Jumping

Each generation of the Karo tribe undergoes an initiation ritual - men must jump over a row of bulls in what their mother gave birth to. Literally.
Sounds like something simple and fun? Not really. The solemn ceremony has a truly terrible implication: if a man is already biologically fully grown, then among the Karo he is considered a boy until he undergoes the ceremony. And being a boy in the Karo tribe means two things: firstly, you cannot marry, and secondly, boys must kill their children.

Karo babies born to fathers who have not gone through the ritual are considered illegitimate, and according to Karo law, illegitimate children have no right to live. The tradition of killing illegitimate babies is called mingi - mothers stuff their children's mouths with dirt and leave them to die in the desert. And only if the husband jumped over the bulls naked can his children live.

3. Philippines - traditional circumcision

In the Philippines, circumcision is an important event. Statistics from 2011 showed that about 93% of Filipino men are circumcised. Interestingly, boys are not circumcised in infancy, but at around age 12, and Filipino teenagers can only be considered male if they are already circumcised.
And if this does not happen, society considers them cowards and weaklings. And in order to escape constant ridicule and bullying, Filipino boys themselves ask their parents to circumcise them.

There are two types of circumcision in the Philippines: modern medical and traditional. At traditional way no anesthesia is used - instead the boys chew guava leaves, as this is believed to reduce the pain of the operation. Instead of a knife, a piece of wood called subokan is used for this painful procedure. After circumcision of the foreskin, the penis is wrapped in white cloth.

4. Kenya and Northern Tanzania - group lion hunt

Maasai boys must go out to hunt a lion with only clubs and shields. In the past, they had to hunt alone, but since there are few lions left, the tradition was changed, and now the Maasai grow up to hunt in groups.

Lion hunting is very dangerous. It is because of this danger that it is considered a worthy ritual of initiation into a man. When Maasai boys hunt lions, they demonstrate that quality that, according to the Maasai, only real men possess: courage. It is interesting to note that they hunt wounded or weak lions. Lionesses are not touched, as they are considered the givers of life.

5. Papua New Guinea - skin changes

The Sepik tribes consider crocodiles to be sacred creatures. They are confident of their spiritual and cultural connection with these reptiles, so young men must undergo a painful rite of passage to make their bodies similar to those of crocodiles.

Using a razor, the elder members of the tribes cut the skin off the young people again and again. Because of this painful process, beautiful patterns appear on the skin, much like crocodile skin. To complete the ritual, elders sprinkle ashes on the cuts. And when the ceremony ends, the boys are declared real men.

Nowadays, not all Sepik men undergo the ritual - many of them are becoming more modern. In addition, the ritual is quite expensive, and some parents simply cannot afford it.

6. Brazil - pain and poison

The ritual for gaining masculinity of the Matis tribe consists of four extremely painful stages. At the first stage, the initiates inject poison into the eyes of the young: the Matis believe that this is how they improve their boys’ eyesight. In the second and third stages, boys are subjected to severe physical pain— repeatedly beaten and lashed.

In the final stage, the boys ingest a poison called campo, extracted from tree frogs. Kampo is not a hallucinogen, although it can cause strange mental reactions. And here physiological effects There's plenty of it - vomiting, dizziness and uncontrollable bowel movements. The Matis tribe firmly believes that kampo increases the stamina and strength of boys, turning them into real men and hunters.

7. Papua New Guinea - blood purification

The Matausa tribe living in Papua New Guinea considers female blood unclean. The Matausa are convinced that their boys, in order to become real men, must be cleansed of the filth of their mothers.

The elder begins the ritual of purifying the blood by inserting reed tubes into the throats of the young initiates - then they vomit blood. The elders then insert tubes into their nostrils to expel bad blood and mucus from the body. Periodically, the tubes are removed to be cleaned, and at this time the initiates have time to take a breath of air. Finally, the elders make several cuts on the tongues of the young people using an arrow-like instrument. After a painful ceremony, young people become real men in the eyes of the community.

Cleansing the blood of the Mataus is such an important and secret rite of passage that not all members go through it - you still have to prove that you are worthy. Men who have not completed the ritual are not considered adults and cannot enjoy the corresponding privileges - for example, they do not have the right to marry. In addition, they are considered weak members of the tribe, unable to fulfill their responsibilities as men.

8. Australia - extreme penis modification

To become real men, the boys of the Unambal tribe must experience hellish physical pain. The elders of the tribe make cuts on the skin of their buttocks, chests, arms and shoulders, and sand is poured into them to prevent the wounds from healing. Afterwards there should be scars on the body.

Young Unambals are also circumcised, but the ritual does not end there. When boys develop a beard, they undergo subincision, a medical procedure in which a deep incision is made in the penis from the base to the urethra. The Unambal believe that this painful ritual makes the penis more beautiful and lighter.

9. Papua New Guinea - fellatio and semen swallowing

The Sambia tribe believes that boys must swallow sperm so they can become men. Sambia boys from seven to ten years old must give blowjobs to experienced warriors for years and swallow the... um... result every time.

According to the tribe's belief, a man's seed is the source of life and the essence of masculinity. The only way for boys to obtain seed, and with it the power of adult warriors, is oral sex. In addition, the Sambia believe that a boy is capable of becoming a father only if he first swallows the sperm of an adult.
However, we are not talking about homosexuality here - men who have gone through the ritual are not considered gay. When boys turn 15, they stop giving blowjobs to adults and become seed donors themselves. In addition, boys of the same age are prohibited from oral sex together.

Once a man gets married, he is prohibited from further participating in the ceremony. Sambia believe that female genitals make reproductive organs men are dirty, and their sperm becomes “impure”, so that it is no longer suitable for children who are about to become adults.

There are many rites of passage for a boy to become a man in the world. They all reflect the values ​​of the society in which they are adopted. What does the cruelty of some of them teach us?

Young Shadrack Nyonges was to go under the knife just after dawn. Just the day before, a 14-year-old teenager from the Western Kenyan Bukusu tribe put a pair of bells on his wrist. They are suspended from a metal bracelet decorated with feathers and, when they hit it, they ring loudly. Shadrack's relatives and older friends gathered under a mango tree growing in the courtyard of his father's house. Sharply throwing his arms up, he performs a ritual dance, and the guests, waving sticks and guava branches, sing songs.

After lunch, Shadrack, accompanied by a retinue of relatives and friends, pays a ritual visit to his maternal uncle. His uncle gives him a solid slap in the face, calling him a snotty boy who is not ready to become a real man, and then... gives him a cow. A teenager prepares for the sikelebo rite, a circumcision ceremony among the Bukusu tribe. But Shadrack doesn't look scared at all. Returning to his father's house, he hits the chiniimba with renewed vigor - that's what a bracelet with bells is called in the local dialect - and starts dancing again.

Meanwhile, more and more new guests continue to arrive, and by evening about fifty people gather at the hut. Men sit in small groups, sipping busaa corn beer through long reeds, brewed for an important occasion.

Around half past eight, all the guests stand in a circle, and the entrails of a freshly slaughtered cow are carried outside. Shadrack's uncle feels for a stomach swollen with fat in this mass, pulls it out and cuts it with a deft movement. Sticking his fingers inside, he scoops out a greenish handful of undigested contents.

Tears roll down the cheeks of 14-year-old Shadrack Nyonges as older members of the community throw verbal mud at him. This ritual is carried out to strengthen the character of the young man.

“No one in our family has ever been afraid! - he shouts. “Hold still!” And he throws the disgusting lump directly onto his nephew’s chest, and then smears it all over the boy’s head and face. Then he hangs a “necklace” of cow intestines around his neck and hits the guy on the cheeks. “If you twitch or cry, you won’t have a second time,” the uncle continues. “You must cross this river and continue on your way.” From this moment on, for the omusinde - an uncircumcised young man - the path to his former life is closed.

...Shadrack danced for several more hours - the celebration was in full swing, fueled by more and more portions of beer. The elders told him what it meant to be a man, explained why it was important to honor the elderly and treat women with respect, and gave him food (flour, chickens) and small amounts of money. Finally, around midnight, the boy was allowed to rest a little. Two hours later he woke up, and soon the area was again filled with the ringing of the bell - Shadrack was dancing again, as if he was overwhelmed by a wave of adrenaline. Friends and relatives - already pretty drunk - started a song: “The sun is about to rise! Can you feel the blade of the knife? Dawn is approaching!

I stood and watched the climax of Shadrack's journey to adult life. For William, Shadrack's father, the ritual of his son's dedication was extremely important, because the reputation of the head of the family in the local community depended on it. I thought for a moment about my father, who died a few months ago after living for 91 years, and about my 17-year-old son. The son's name is Oliver, and now he is most likely already sleeping 12 thousand kilometers away in New York. Or maybe he’s not sleeping - he’s lying in bed with a laptop on his chest.

Both Shadrack and Oliver are, of course, moving towards the same goal, become a man, but at the same time it is impossible to imagine two more different paths with which they go to her. At first, everything is, of course, the same. The first step was the formation in the mother's womb under constant action testosterone. The turning point was a surge in the level of the main male hormone in adolescence, under the influence of which children's body began to acquire muscles, the shoulders grew wider, hair began to grow on the body, the desire to take risks, accompanied by increased aggressiveness, began to appear more and more often, and the process of developing sexuality began. Both young men were actively mastering the behavior programmed into them by millions of years of evolution.

However, Shadrack entered adulthood in a traditional society in which gender roles have been clearly distributed since time immemorial. And Oliver grows up in American society, where, on the contrary, gender equality is considered one of the fundamental values.

To understand what it means to be a man, Oliver, unlike Shadrack, cannot rely on traditional descriptions of the roles of men and women. To achieve gender equality, gender stereotypes were completely dismantled, and in some cases turned upside down. Oliver will not find it strange if he meets a female police officer or a male nurse; it will be completely normal for him if the father of the family babysits the baby at home, warming up baby food and changing diapers while the mother is pursuing a career.

Drew Moore stabs a wild boar through the heart while his father Petey and their dog restrain the animal.

In addition, in modern Western society there are no rituals or public rites of passage between a boy and a man, which could clearly mark this transition for Oliver. It turns out that at the very beginning of his adult life he is left alone with all the questions that arise. And when he needs to prove himself - be it a test, playing basketball or working out in the gym - he himself tries to strengthen his character, to some extent acquiring the same qualities that were beaten into the young African Shadrack with slaps in the face.

Unfortunately, modern science cannot yet clearly define what the essence of masculinity is. Anthropologists and sociologists agree that culture plays a determining role - and argue that masculine traits are determined by society. “Men are not born, they are made,” says Michael Kimmel, a professor of sociology at Stony Brook University (New York). - Masculinity is not a manifestation of some internal sign, it does not arise by itself on the biological foundation of a matured male body. On the contrary, it is determined by our social structure.”

Supporters of feminist theories insist that all differences between the sexes are just a figment of the imagination and the so-called “truly masculine” traits are not limited to the stronger sex. Today, many gender stereotypes, such as the difference between men and women in the level of intelligence, the degree of manifestation of parental instincts, rationality, and emotions, are considered to be nothing more than a myth. But, like many parents who raised both a boy and a girl, I sometimes wonder: are there some preconditions that shape the preferences of children that manifest themselves without the direct participation of parents?

« The consciousness of men and women is structured differently", writes in his book " Blank sheet» Steven Pinker, professor of psychology at Harvard. According to numerous studies, men are better at tasks related to spatial thinking. Women's advantage is reflected in other skills, particularly problem solving.

Boys usually show increased aggressiveness - the likelihood that they will start some kind of fuss is usually higher. According to Joe Hebert, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Cambridge, boys may well play with dolls, but most likely their dolls will not get along with each other and it will end in a fight. Aggression in behavior is partly explained by increased levels of testosterone - in boys, starting from the age of 10, the level of this hormone is on average 10 times higher than in girls, and by adolescence it reaches maximum values.

The most striking example of the fact that biology predetermines the main aspects of masculinity and is an integral factor in the full transformation into an adult man is the rare genetic disease- androgen insensitivity syndrome. Babies are born with a Y chromosome (which determines the development of testicles in the womb) and are genetically related to male, however, due to immunity to the testosterone produced by the testicles, their body develops a female phenotype.

Particularly bright expressed cases such people look exactly like women - they have smooth skin, there is no profuse sweating and there is even a formed vagina. But, although they look like women and feel like women, they are not able to give birth to offspring - they lack ovaries and a uterus.

As Joe Hebert writes in Testosterone, “androgen insensitivity syndrome provides compelling evidence: male hormone lies at the core of what we all used to call masculinity.”

...At the first rays of the sun, Shadrack went north to the Chwella River flowing nearby. He was accompanied by a noisy company of 30 teenagers and men, which included several girls. Walking through fields of corn and sugar cane, a cheerful crowd filled the area with songs. Around seven in the morning they finally reached the place. Shadrack's bells and bracelets were taken off, he took off his shorts and walked naked towards the grassy bank of the river, which looked more like a swamp. His uncle followed him. Hiding in the thickets of reeds, the boy washed off the dirt remaining from the “cow” ritual and soon appeared covered in dark gray river silt.

At dawn, the men of the Bukusu tribe start the song Sioyayo. To this accompaniment, three teenagers walk to the circumcision ceremony.

Sadik stood stock still, trying to look like the ideal man from the Bukusu tribe. One swing of the knife - and he finds himself in the world of adults.

After the circumcision, Sadiq's father covers the boy with a blanket - the son has just crossed the line forever, from his mother's favorite to his father's pride.

After this the procession hurried back to parents' house boy. Along the way, they sang a Bukusu tribal song dedicated to the ritual of circumcision, which ridicules the Luo tribe for the traditional rite of passage of a boy into adulthood where he is deprived of a few teeth rather than his foreskin. “Whoever is afraid of circumcision, let him go to the Luo lands,” the song says.

Meanwhile, a large crowd had gathered near the house. Shadrack proudly walked into the yard and stood on a prepared piece of cardboard. One of his fellow tribesmen approached his groin - the entire operation took place in a split second. Shadrack didn’t even flinch - so as not to show anyone that he was in pain. And when the completion of the procedure was announced to everyone with a ringing whistle, and his mother, aunt and other women hooted joyfully, he even jumped up in the dance several times. The male part of the crowd immediately began to “take the job.” The teenager suddenly began to tremble, he sat down slightly, and the women immediately covered him with their colorful scarves.

Over the next four days, the boy will recover from the ritual. Then, for four months, all those introduced to adult life will master the skills of hunting and building a hut, they will be shown how to tan hides, and will be taught the basics of warfare so that they can repel attacks from those who decide to seize livestock.

After the ceremony, Shadrack acquired new privileges - no one would ever send him to fetch water from a stream or fetch firewood from the forest, or force him to sweep around his parents’ house. And women will start preparing food for him, taking into account his preferences. Shadrack will now even have a separate hut - not far from his parents'. Towards December, the tribe will hold a hukhwalukha ceremony, completing the process of transforming an omusinde into an omusani. After this, the 14-year-old will be allocated a plot of land, and then he will be considered a full-fledged man.

When you watch a circumcision ceremony, the most contradictory feelings arise in your soul - admiration and bewilderment. Whatever it is, children are children. Over the course of a week, I saw this ceremony five times; some of the Omusinde looked even younger and seemed less prepared for the procedure than Shadrack. Is it really possible for a teenager, even driven by a desire to gain additional privileges, to consciously make a choice in favor of a painful and unsafe operation?

However, this is not the most terrible test that teenagers sometimes have to go through on their way to adulthood. For example, boys from the Australian Mardujara Aboriginal tribe are forced to swallow their own foreskin after circumcision. Children from the Sambia hill tribe in Papua New Guinea have their nostrils pierced with sharp sticks, drawing blood, and are forced to swallow the semen of older teenagers. Boys from the Satere Mawe tribe, living in the Amazon jungle in Brazil, are forced to put their hands into gloves infested with Paraponera clavata tropical ants, the pain from the poison of which is felt for at least a day:

Every April, the men of the small South Pacific archipelago of Vanuatu gather to put their young men to the ultimate test. First they build a tower about 100 meters high. Boys as young as five climb the tower, tie a vine rope to their feet, and jump down. The idea is to get as close to the ground as possible without dying and maintaining your presence of mind. The mortality rate during the ritual is frightening, but despite this, this has been going on for fifteen centuries in a row.

Boys from the Venda tribe living in Tshifudi, South Africa, follow the tradition of boxing matches - Musangwe. Children are involved in the fighting - some are barely nine.

11-year-old Drew Moore poses with his collection of BB guns in his nursery. The setting very clearly hints at what it means to be a teenage boy in the Moore family. Here in Arkansas, real men must hunt.

USA, June evening. Teenagers chat enthusiastically over dinner at a pizzeria. In American society, the concept of masculinity is blurred. As a rule, an indicator that “a guy is doing everything right” is interest from the opposite sex.​

You can’t help but wonder: why did people come up with all this? In fact, everything is simple: this is how they prepare teenagers for war.

Anthropologist David Gilmore suggests that in conditions of limited resources and lack of community prosperity, "gender ideology clearly reflects a pragmatic materialist approach to the perception of life." Boys are “hardened” and “coarsened” so that they can perform the classic duties of protector, breadwinner and continuator of the family.

In many cultures cruelty plays a role main role in the semantic content of the very concept of masculinity. Take countless video games, action movies, hard-hitting hockey—violence undoubtedly attracts the attention of men even when they are not in difficult financial circumstances—look at the murder rate in seemingly prosperous America. But how to break the strong link between the concepts of “masculinity,” “rudeness,” and “stoicism”? What can change in men who, in fear of violence and cruelty, end up creating more violence?

Having come to terms with the bewilderment surrounding the Bukusu circumcision ritual, I suddenly realize that I feel admiration for the culture that initially gives boys such a clear guide to their understanding of masculinity.

Of course, with the privileges associated with a teenager’s changing position in society, the matured boy also has new responsibilities. And the genuine cruelty of the ritual teaches young people not to succumb to the temptation to respond symmetrically to every challenge. “Once you've experienced your uncle throwing cow guts in your face, nothing can scare you anymore,” says Daniel Wesangula, a journalist originally from Bukusu.

Another undoubted advantage of the ceremony is the Bakoki, a kind of brotherhood of boys of the same age who underwent initiation at the same time. “Bacocks become friends for life,” says Daniel. “They are always ready to help and, if necessary, set them on the right path, and when the time comes, they will carry the coffin in the funeral procession.”

Perhaps in modern world Are we missing precisely such rituals? Recently, Oliver's school staged the play "So We Became Men." The production addresses, among others, the following problems: “Dirty” words at school - who feels bad about it? What is it like to live in a world where computer games, in which players (mostly young men) compete against each other by killing and raping women? ...If my son does not know what it means to be a man, this is partly my fault - after all, he inherited the principle of self-determination from me, and I inherited it from my father, who never tried to start a conversation with me about where children come from, and did not teach me how to skin a wild boar. He did not set any far-fetched criteria for me to reach adulthood. I don’t know thanks to what rituals I managed to turn from a boy into an adult and achieve a lot - after all, I never had a chance to master some skills, and the list of things I can’t do would take a very long time.

Last spring, in recent months my father's life, I asked him if he had somehow prepared me for adult life - he looked at me with bewilderment. Then I asked another question: how did my grandfather make him a real man? The answer was even greater bewilderment.

Most likely, the father received training while serving in the US Navy. He crossed the Pacific Ocean for the first time when he was 19, serving on a tugboat. A sextant was then used for navigation, and boxing matches served as entertainment for the sailors on board the ship. He fought in Okinawa, killing Japanese kamikazes, and just two months after the atomic bombing of Japan, he sailed a ship into Hiroshima Bay.

Becoming a direct witness devastating consequences war, he was so impressed that he wrote a poem published in October 1945 in the New York Herald Tribune. His father's first fee then amounted to $12 - this is how his long writing career began. I think that the place of rituals in my family was occupied by certain values, which I learned about only by observing how they manifest themselves in real life. I still remember my father explaining to my college roommate how you could protect your family without owning a gun. My father described everything in one phrase - and this, in my opinion, is the central idea in his understanding of what it means to be a real man: “The day when, instead of turning to a lawyer for help, I take up a gun, I will have to defend myself.” nothing". Such principles seem archaic now - these days, in classes somewhere at the University of Texas, you can easily see young men with pistols tucked into their belts.

I'm not sure if I should tell Oliver that there are a million answers to the question of what it means to be a man, and he can choose what he likes and is free to set his own criteria. I hope he will be able to feel the full responsibility for the right to be called a man, will understand what is determined by biology and what by culture, what actions are worthy of respect, what needs to be worked on and how to change for the better. I really want him to become a real man - as he understands it - and not feel an internal inconsistency with the ideal image created by his imagination. I would like to believe that he has someone to follow by example.

Chip Brown