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Natalya Kaptsova

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Someone will say, “loving two people at once is promiscuity.” And someone will note - “Great! Double portion of attention! And someone will even say that this is not love at all, since you are pulled on both sides at once. And only one in a thousand will understand how hard it is when your heart breaks with love for both men at once.

What to do? How to choose one and only one of the two?

Testing ourselves - 8 methods for choosing between two guys or men

If the heart really, really doesn’t want to make a decision, and the spiritual weathervane is spinning like crazy, it makes sense to test yourself and make the task of such a serious choice easier.

We evaluate the positive qualities of each...

Does he have a sense of humor? Can he cheer you up and does he understand your jokes? A person with a sense of humor looks at the world in a completely different way and charges everyone around with his optimism.
How do you feel when he touches you? And is he able to restrain himself in expressing his feelings?
What are his interests in life? Is he a purposeful person with his own view of life or a bore who values his own comfort most of all in life?
How does he behave when someone needs help? ? Does he rush to help without hesitation, or does he pretend that it doesn’t concern him?
What exactly attracts him to you? (other than your appearance)?
How much time does he spend with you? Savors every minute, stretches out the pleasure, rushes to you as soon as you have a free “minute”? Or is he in a hurry on a date, constantly looking at his watch, and leaving immediately “after...”?
How often does he call you? Just before arriving with the brutal “Baby, I’ll come over today”? Or barely having time to leave the threshold, with a sigh - “baby, I already miss you” and almost hourly, just to find out how you are?
Does he flirt with other girls? in your presence?
How does he treat children?

We evaluate our own feelings...

How do you feel when she calls or sends a message?
Do you feel “in your place” and “at ease” next to him?
Does just the touch of your hand make your heart beat faster?
Can you imagine yourself with it when you're old?
Does he accept you for who you are?
Do you feel next to him that “wings are blossoming” and “you want to live to the fullest”?
Or are you next to him, like a shadow or a bird in a beautiful cage?
Do you feel like you are becoming a better person when you are around him?
Does he support your desires and aspirations in development?
Do you feel special, most loved and desired next to him?
Without which of them do you suffocate, as if your oxygen has been cut off?

We evaluate the negative sides of both...

Does he have bad habits that irritate you?
How jealous is he? It’s bad if he’s not jealous at all—either he’s being disingenuous, or he just doesn’t care. It’s also bad if jealousy goes off scale, and every passerby who smiles at you briefly risks getting hit in the nose. Golden mean here is the very thing.
Does he care what you wear and how you look? Of course, every man wants his woman to be the most stunning and beautiful, but a mature man usually hides the long legs of his partner from prying eyes and disapproves of short skirts, too bright makeup and other delights.
How heavy is the burden of the past on his shoulders? And if “very difficult” - won’t it interfere with your relationship?
Is he trying to control you? Or does he always look for a compromise if a controversial issue arises?
Is he able to admit that he is wrong?
How often does he have outbursts of unreasonable aggression?
Is he capable of taking the first step towards reconciliation? , if you quarreled?
Have you noticed his lies? How frank is he with you? How high is the level of trust between you?
Has he told you about his past love? And in what tone? If he thinks about his ex too often, most likely his feelings for her have not cooled down yet. If he remembers you in “bad words,” you should think about it. A real man will never say anything bad about his former passion, even if she gave him “hell on earth.”
If you are sick, does he run to get medicine and sit by your bedside? Or waits until you get better, occasionally sending SMS “How are you?”?

We evaluate the feelings of both...

How deep are his feelings for you? Is he ready to connect his life with you forever or is your relationship superficial and based only on physical attraction?
What is he willing to sacrifice for you? Will he be able to rush after you if you suddenly decide to study/work in another city?
What might his reaction be if you decide to break up with him? “Come on, goodbye” or “What happened?”? Will he immediately disappear from your life or will he fight for you? Of course, there is no need to ask - just try to imagine such a situation and its consequences.

Hall help or call a friend

If you have trusting relationship with parents , share your problem with them. They will probably tell you what is best for you to do, and will express their opinion “from the height of their years” about both candidates for your heart.

We can talk and with friends , but only if you trust them 100 percent.

And the decision, of course, is still up to you.

We are making a list...

How are they similar to each other?
What are their differences?
What exactly do you feel for each (describe each feeling)?
What qualities do you like about them?
What qualities do you absolutely dislike?
Which one do you have more in common with?
Which of them will you be most happy to wait for from work with a delicious dinner?
Which of them do you want to introduce to your parents and relatives? And how can parents perceive everyone?

Let's toss a coin...

Let one be tails and the other be heads. After tossing a coin, follow your thoughts - who exactly do you want to see on your palm?

Let's take our time...

Don't try to find a solution immediately. Give yourself (and them) some time. Take a break from both for at least a week - which one will you miss more? Just don't drag out this selection process for too long.

And if your relationship has not yet crossed that very border of intimacy, do not cross it. Make a choice before you realize someone has been cheated on.

The choice between the two guys has been made - what's next?

If the decision is truly made, it's time to part ways with one of them. There is no need to leave it “in reserve” - tear it right away. After all, if she both dreams of living with you until old age, then tormenting both of you is simply unforgivable. Let go of the one you care less about.
There is no need to tell him when breaking up that you have “another”. Do this as gently as possible. It is unlikely that he will be happy with your confessions, but you have the power to soften the blow. Try to part as friends.
The feeling of emptiness from the loss of one or the other is normal. This will pass. Humble yourself and don't beat yourself up.
Thoughts like “what if I made a mistake?” also to the side. Build your relationships and enjoy life. Never regret anything. Life itself will put everything in its place.
Accept that one of you three will get hurt. It won't work any other way.
If your conscience is tearing you apart from the inside, and a solution just doesn’t come, and they, among other things, also best friends, then break up with both of them. This way you will provide yourself with a very solid “time out” to sort out your feelings, and will not become a wedge in their friendship.

In general, listen to your heart! It won't lie.

Have you ever had to make such a difficult decision, and what advice can you give to girls facing a choice?

Perhaps it may seem to someone that being interested in two guys at the same time is very cool, but in fact, in this situation, the heart is torn into two parts. In such a situation, to achieve again inner harmony, a choice must be made. If you are forced to choose between two guys, think about how each of them makes you feel and trust your intuition. If you want to understand how to make a choice between two guys with the least mental loss, this article is for you.

Steps

Guy's choice

Appreciate the positive qualities of both guys. Next time you meet, try to get the guy to talk and think about what you like most about him. It's not always possible to say exactly what makes someone like you, but it's important to analyze as much information as possible before making a decision. When you talk to each guy, ask yourself the following questions:
- Can he make you laugh? Does he have a good sense of humor? We are all drawn to people who can make us laugh. Guys with a great sense of humor delight us and make us look at the world differently. When he tickles you, do you like it or is it unpleasant? No guy is allowed to touch you in certain places without your consent. If he wants to put his arm around your waist, take your hand, hug you tightly and kiss you, think about whether you are ready for this. Before you let him kiss you, learn how to do it. You probably don't want to put yourself in an awkward position. Your chosen one should also be able to restrain himself.
- Is he interested in other people? Does he care about anything other than himself? Guys who are only interested in themselves are often big bores. You will probably want to date a guy who will have many friends, hobbies and his own view of the world.
- Is he emotional? Does he care about other people? A lot of guys are quite emotional, but they don't want anyone to know about it. If a guy is calm about showing his emotions, this means that he is a mature and confident person.
- Is he a good flirt? You can formulate the question this way: does he like only your appearance or something more? Does he compliment only his body or something else?
- Is he in a hurry? Men who are not in a hurry love to savor everything that happens. They strive to enjoy every moment spent with a girl. Guys who rush things will start dating the next girl before you know what happened.
Think about how both guys make you feel. This is just as important as what you like about each one. Perhaps one has the perfect set of qualities and all the personality traits that you like, but the other makes your heart beat faster in just one thing short SMS. So when you find yourself in the company of these men, think not about why you like them, but how they make you feel. Do you feel joy and self-confidence? Is your head spinning? Do you feel like you're getting better? Here's something to think about:
- How do you feel when he is around? Does he act like you're the only one around, or does he just flirt with a lot of girls, including you?
- Does he help you become better or is he content with what he has?
- Do you feel the need to develop?
- Does he give you unobtrusive but meaningful compliments?
- Do your cheeks flush in his presence? Is your head spinning? Do you feel like a little girl?
- Does he treat you like a real lady? Do you feel special?
Think about negative traits the character of both guys. Perhaps you are only thinking about positive qualities and whether you get butterflies in your stomach in their presence, but you also need to evaluate negative qualities guys' personalities and those aspects of their lifestyle that don't suit you. If you are determined to make a choice, about the cons Just be sure to think about it. You should think about the following:
- Does the guy carry a lot of emotional baggage with him? Does he still have a difficult past behind him? Of course, you may have a good time together, but are you ready to deal with his past all the time?
- Is he trying to manipulate or control you? Does he want everything to always be his way, and does he refuse to admit that he is wrong? If so, then all these can serve as signs of selfishness, and this will significantly complicate the relationship.
- Has he ever lied to you? You need a man whom you can trust, who will be honest with you, no matter how bitter the truth may be. Guys who like to talk about others behind their backs and spread gossip don't care much about others, which means it's best to stay away from them.
- Does he find trouble all the time? Bad boys may seem attractive, but if they constantly get into trouble, they simply won't have time for you.
- Does he talk about his ex-girlfriend? If he regularly mentions his ex-lover, hints at something or talks about her all the time, this should be taken as bad sign. This doesn't mean the guy is bad - it's just that he probably still loves her.
Think about how each guy feels about to you. If they are both willing to do anything for you, the choice will not be easy. Of course, you shouldn't stay with someone who likes you better just to be on the safe side, but you need to think very carefully about how important you are to each guy and what would happen if you stopped dating them. If you think that one guy or another will just shrug his shoulders and immediately find a new girlfriend, you probably shouldn't continue your relationship with that person. If you think that one of the guys has deeper feelings for you, this should be a serious argument in your choice.
- Of course, you shouldn't ask a direct question. You can tell how a guy feels about you by the way he looks at you, how often he wants to spend time with you and talk about a future together.
- If you only need a short-term relationship or a holiday romance, then the prospects of the relationship can be ignored.
Ask close friends for their opinions. Remember what friends are for: they will support you, advise you on how to behave, and help you when you need it. Listen to advice, but always evaluate it critically. Decision to make to you. Remember that you shouldn't ask to choose the better of the two guys - ask for help figuring out who is better for you.
- Don't ask which guy your friends like better. Ask who suits you best. The answers to this question will allow you to understand who is better for you to date, and not who your friends would like to date.
- Listen to what they tell you. If you have already decided everything, there is no point in asking your friends for their advice. If you want something recommended to you, be prepared to follow the recommendations.
Make a list of ways these guys are similar and different. This will allow you to understand what you really want. How do you feel about each of the guys? Make a list of qualities you want and don't want in a partner. Put the pros and cons next to the guys' character traits and compare them with your wish list. You can ask yourself the following questions:
- Which guy will treat you better?
- Which of them will be ready to be there in difficult times?
- Who do you have more in common with?
- Which one will you look forward to meeting every day?
- Which guy can find mutual language with your friends and relatives?
- Who is the one you literally can't live without?
Trust your intuition. It is not always possible to choose what we like. A person is born with a certain set of qualities, and as they grow older, everyone develops preferences. Don't think too much about the choice. Trust your intuition. Toss a coin in the air, decide that heads will mean one guy and tails will mean the other. While the coin is in the air, think about which side you would like to see when it falls. This will be the answer.
- If you you know for sure If one of the guys is not right for you, but you are still attracted to him (and at the same time you do not really like the second guy), take a break from both guys. Being free isn't such a bad thing. After all, it's much better than suffering in a relationship.
- Learn from your mistakes. If you dated someone and the relationship ended badly, don't make the same mistakes with another person. Even if you like him a lot, why go through the same thing again?
Do not hurry. Don't think that you obliged make a decision right now - this process may take some time. During this time, guys can have time to do something good or bad, and this will make the choice easier. If you haven't made any commitments to either guy and if you don't feel like you're cheating on the other by being with one, you can take your time making a decision.
- Don't delay everything too much for a long time. If you choose one guy, but he finds out that you have been communicating with another for many months in parallel, this will greatly hurt and humiliate him.
After the decision has been made
1. Commit yourself to the guy you choose. Once you have made a decision, do not deviate from it. This doesn't mean you need to tell your other guy that you're in a new relationship because that will hurt your feelings. Commitment manifests itself in feelings and actions. Try to build a reliable and stable relationship with the guy you choose, and only him.
  - Be ready to meet and communicate only with the chosen guy. Enjoy your relationship with one person and don't worry about what the other is doing.
  - If you feel empty inside without that other guy, it could mean that you made the wrong choice or that you never liked the person you decided to stay with - you only liked the flirting.
  - Be friendly with your dumped boyfriend, but don't try to spend a lot of time with him or do anything together. If you're very nice to him, he'll think he still has a chance. In addition, this will lead to jealousy on the part of the guy you decided to be with.
2. Be prepared for the consequences. Having to choose one will affect your relationship with both guys. You need to accept this as a fact: most likely, you will break the heart of the second guy and deprive yourself of the opportunity to build a relationship with him. If this guy doesn't know about your rival, you won't have to explain to him why you decided to end the relationship. You will probably feel much calmer once the choice is made, but you will have to worry.
  - Remember that you can turn guys against each other. What if they are best friends? What are you going to do? If you choose one and the other has feelings for you, they will most likely no longer be able to be friends. If you want to avoid this situation, it is better to find someone else.
  - Know that you may lose your other guy forever. Perhaps he will refuse to be friends with you after a more romantic and intimate relationship. Perhaps it's for the better.

Question for a psychologist:

We met with a young man, my age for 1.5 years. At the beginning everything was great, travel, care. He has a great, friendly family. On the contrary, I have an incomplete family. My father left the family when I was 14, with fights and swearing. And I always wanted a warm atmosphere at home, family dinners, a cozy home.

My parents gave us an apartment, we settled in, and then came into his life computer games. For six months I tried to get him out of there, threatening to leave if he didn’t remove him, but to no avail. These six months I simply did not feel like a woman, because all the time with me was exchanged for games and tanks. I went everywhere alone. Walk, go to the gym, go to the theater. We argued, one day, when I was lying down after a concussion, he grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head on the floor.

In the spring, someone else appeared in my life. Handsome, tall, smart, gallant. We were friends and talked a lot. The young man did not notice this - he played games, and I began to fall in love, I was drawn to him as if to a strong man, with him I felt attractive and desired again. It’s a strong contrast when you communicate with an intelligent man, and then you come home and are greeted at home by an aggressive gambling addict.

Things got tense at home and I decided it was time to leave. He didn’t let me go for a long time, he tied me up, dragged me back by force, and threatened me with suicide.

I wanted to leave for another man, and then I was taken aback: he is 27 years old, but as it turned out, he is renting a bed and we have nowhere to live. He gave the impression of a successful person, I knew that he was a businessman, and I would never have thought that such a person had not earned enough money for an apartment or a car before he turned 27. And he spent all the money on candy wrappers: restaurants and telephones. With horror in my eyes, I moved into his room and realized with horror that he was lazy, he could lie in bed all day and do nothing, and on his computer he had correspondence with another girl. And it hurt me that he finds time to correspond with her, but does not find time to improve our conditions. And I ran away. In the meantime, the first one found out that I was with someone else and began to change, threw away the games, found a hobby, opened his own business, and we got back together. The second one wrote and called that he would fix everything, I fell for it again, I was drawn to him madly, on some animal level.

I left again and was left alone. And I am simply torn to pieces by constant calls, messages, promises, visits with flowers and gifts. Both proposed to me.

On the one hand, cozy, caring, with homely comfort, a desire to have children (but lack of passion), on the other hand, passionate, interesting, smart.

I see both of them changing and becoming better. But it’s hard for me to believe that the first one would never blackmail me with suicide. And the second one will be an excellent family man.

Psychologist Olga Petrovna Yagudina answers the question.

Yesenia, good afternoon!

I'm afraid you won't like my answer... With none of these men you will have happiness, real warm, joyful happiness. Because you both look at them as subjects who must satisfy your needs for money, care, acceptance. You don’t accept them as they are, but that’s how it is with men, they don’t change! In order for a man to get married, he must already have matured as a man and in the eyes of his woman already be one. Only on a wave of admiration and support will a man rise in status, never because of demands and threats. If you are already in doubt, don't risk it. It is better for you to solve your own psychological problems, such as creating codependent relationships. Your father was an alcoholic, the guy was a gambling addict, the other one seemed to be not an addict, but you don’t like him either. Why do you choose these? What is more attractive about them than about those who have already succeeded? The fact that he knows how to look after, is gallant and courteous, only says that he is gallant and courteous, but what kind of person will he be in the family? Can you see the true values of a family man? How does he see your life together? How many children does he want? How will they be raised, what will they be taught? How can he get out of difficult situations? How does he resolve conflicts? Does he know how to give in? Look in this direction, at human qualities, those that are important to you, money can be earned, and a good relationship You can’t buy it in your family.

Take your time, grow up yourself and find someone worthy and suitable for you. Do you know yourself? Your interests, what is important to you and what is not, what would you share with your loved ones? What can you tolerate? What will you be delighted with?

Hello, dear readers! If you are not reading this article out of idle curiosity, you will not be envied. Now we face a very difficult task. Everything depends on just one decision future life and not only yours. Very soon you will have to go through many difficulties. Nevertheless, you are a great fellow. You want to fix everything.

How many people live in two families and believe that this is better for everyone. Nonsense. A person always feels changes, and they certainly exist. The other half has known about the betrayal for a long time and suffers inside, but does not dare to put an end to it. Eventually constant feeling pain, depression, broken self-esteem.

Now you are preventing yourself and others from being truly happy, you live in a constant state of stress. In this article we will talk about how to choose between two girls. I will try my best to help you at least a little.

The right decision has been made

I'll have to start with some bad news. I'm sure you want to do the right thing, to make things better for everyone. You take into account not only your wants and needs, but also none of the ladies. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to find the right solution. They don't happen in life.

Each of the proposed options will be correct in some way, but also wrong in some way. impossible. No one knows how your fate will turn out, much less that of another person.

Even if one of your women is pregnant and you are afraid of leaving her with a small child, it is quite possible that by doing so you will be doing the right thing. She will quickly find a worthy replacement and this family will be much happier. It is likely that the girl, who always seemed strong, will go through the breakup for more than a year and will do a lot of stupid things until the wounds heal.

The best and correct solution you have already accepted, namely, you wanted to stop torturing other people. Each of us deserves to belong to one to the only person and possess it. If you love both, then you simply must allow each of them to realize the dream of a real family. As long as you prevent it.

Also, let's put morality aside for a moment. Surely your brains have already begun to compost. One torments you or with a desire to please, the second hints that it’s time to make a decision. Even if this is not happening now, in 2 months the situation will change.

Difficult choice

How can a man do right choice? The first thing that comes to mind is to start comparing. This is so stupid! You humiliate your women even more. In addition, the information will not be accurate. One you already know perfectly well from all sides, the second is something unknown.

The girl who appeared second, so far presents to your attention only the best, after living with her for several months, she may still begin to throw her socks away, and she will not even be arousing so often. The passion will pass.

Essentially, you choose between your old life and the unknown. You are leaving not the woman, but the usual way of life. They say that between two you should always choose the second, they say, if everything was good, then this would not have happened. I don't quite agree with this statement.

Some young men treat sex with strangers as an adventure and then get overly involved. There is no family, there was no serious relationship either, the guy did not calm down. He, like Columbus, is drawn to conquer. It is possible that to the end the woman who is next to him.

No matter how trivial it may sound

You already know who you'll end up with. Of the two options, you have already chosen a long time ago and do not try to deceive yourself. You definitely like one of the ladies more than the other. You are simply subconsciously trying to “fit” your decision into the concept of “correctness.” You delay because you are afraid of what will happen next.

Your brain protects its owner from a long, tedious and difficult process. At first serious conversation, then calls and persuasion, a complete change in the usual way of life, loss. Breaking up is always difficult. However, you yourself want this, otherwise you would not have read my article almost to the end.

In conclusion, I would like to recommend you a book in which you can find a lot of “confirmation” of your thoughts. Thanks to it, you can be saturated with energy and survive the difficult period that lies ahead of you. It's called " Chicken bouillon for the soul. 101 love stories" It contains the best motivational stories that will boost your confidence.