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Conflicts, unfortunately, are not uncommon these days, but rather a pattern. Agree, who has not encountered conflict situations at work, at home or anywhere else? Almost every person has had a conflict with someone at least once in their life. But naturally, nothing good can be expected from a conflict, so it is necessary to quickly resolve it and get out of the conflict, however, not everyone knows how to do this. In this case, a couple of simple tips will help us.

First, let's figure out what conflict is? A conflict is a confrontation between parties that arose on the basis of opposition of interests, beliefs or views that are not similar to each other. Very often, conflict also becomes a consequence of certain actions or events that can cause negative reaction from the human side. Moreover, he may not immediately express this reaction, and the negative will accumulate in him for a very, very long time until it “splashes out” in the form of a conflict. Conflict destroys relationships between people, so it is better not to allow it at all, and if the conflict cannot be avoided, it is necessary to get out of it correctly.

Tip 1: Avoidance. Most The best way to prevent conflict is simply to avoid communicating with conflicted and irritated people who can pour out all their anger on you. True, this limits your actions and communication with other people, so this method is not suitable for everyone.

Tip 2: Concession. It is very important to be able to evaluate your arguments and understand whether it is necessary to use them. To avoid conflict, sometimes it is easier to give in than to present your arguments. Think about it, what too much stubbornness can lead to is more conflict. Do you need it? Or is it better to get out of a conflict situation? Think about it very carefully.

Tip 3: Calm. In order to get out of a conflict situation and prevent its expansion, we advise you to remain calm and unperturbed. Of course, this is difficult to do, especially for people with a quick temper, but this is the best way to prevent even greater conflict. Just think, you know that you are right, why prove it, waste energy, nerves and conflict if a person is stubborn and stands his ground. Sooner or later he will remember your words and regret that he did not listen right away. But by remaining calm, you will not only get out of the conflict, because seeing that you do not react to attacks, your opponent will also calm down, but you will also save “face,” which is very important in any conflict.

Tip 4: Clear argumentation. If you are in a conflict situation with someone, and you see that your opponent’s views can harm your common cause, then calmly, without unnecessary emotions, clearly explain to the person where he is wrong. A clear argument on your part, and most importantly, equanimity and calmness, will do their job, and the person will hear you and make concessions. So, easily and simply, you will resolve the conflict.

Tip 5: Stay ahead. If you want to get out of a conflict while resolving it, then it is best to try to predict the actions and arguments of your opponent. If you learn to predict what your opponent will tell you, then you will understand how to fend off his arguments and prevent the conflict from flaring up. Otherwise, everything depends only on you.

Here are a couple of tips on how to get out of the conflict. However, it is better to avoid all conflicts altogether and not enter into them. This way you will save your nerves and prevent conflict so that you can think later about how to get out of it. Everything is easy and simple, and everything depends on you.

HOW TO GET OUT OF A CONFLICT SITUATION IN THE FAMILY?

First, let's figure out WHAT IS conflict?

Typically, a conflict consists of two components: misunderstanding between spouses and negative emotional background. And the main task comes down to removing the emotional component - then the conflict is already 70% resolved. And one more thing: it is important to remember that the only effective method Conflict resolution is a conversation.

ALGORITHM for exiting the conflict

1. Acknowledge the conflict. One of the main mistakes that is made in conflict is “turning a blind eye.” It's convenient to think that everything will calm down on its own. But, unfortunately, it will not subside. Unspoken words and negative emotions will accumulate and eventually lead to an explosion and even more serious conflict.

2. Think about the place and time. It is often recommended to resolve a conflict immediately, “hotly”. This is good, but not always. If negative emotions are strong, it is better to postpone resolving the conflict a little. Consider the best time and place to talk to your spouse in a way that minimizes negativity.

3. Find the courage to speak up. Only conversation can resolve a conflict. Speak out your feelings and experiences (“I want to make peace, but I feel indecisive”). Avoid accusations. Instead of “you are angry (evil),” it is better to say “I feel anger on your part.”

4. Control your emotional background. If negative emotions increase during a conversation, it is necessary to relieve tension. For example: take a 5-minute break, go to another room, make tea...

5. Give the opportunity to talk. Give yourself permission to listen and understand your other half. Let the person close to you feel that he can really speak out and will really be listened to.

6. Try to understand. It is often difficult for us to understand the position of our spouse. Moreover

You can accept it. Try the following: mentally look at what is happening from the outside. Here in front of you is a man and a woman. Everyone has their own truth. And everyone needs understanding. Treat them equally without prejudice.

7. Come up with a solution together. The result of your conversation should be a plan developed jointly. One that will suit both husband and wife. The plan must be specific and step-by-step. In addition, you need to agree on how everyone will carry it out and what to do in unexpected situations.

What NOT to do

A. You can't blame each other. After all natural reaction to an accusation (even if it is fair) - aggression.

B. You cannot remember past mistakes. Instead of remembering mistakes and grievances, it is better to concentrate on how to get out of the situation.

B. You can’t interrupt. Interruptions are always very annoying. As a result, your interlocutor will

focuses on aggression instead of his own experiences.

D. You can’t make fun of him. Even if your spouse's feelings seem strange, unacceptable or far-fetched to you, demonstrate understanding. Otherwise, your interlocutor will become withdrawn and will not want to share the most important things.

If it doesn't work out on your own...

There are situations when it is impossible to get out of a conflict. There is a lack of strength, courage, confidence, readiness... and sometimes even desire. In this case, you can seek advice and understand yourself, your relationships and feelings, using outside support.

You don't have to look far for examples. Violence in conflict resolution leads to fights, and at the large level social groups– to wars and armed conflicts. The principle “The strong is always right” in a civilized version is transformed into the rule “The boss is always right.”

The only advantage of using force is the ability to quickly end the conflict. However, strategically such a solution is always ineffective. Violence, as we know, begets violence. That is, the suppressed side will be, to put it mildly, dissatisfied with this solution to the conflict. This leads to hidden resistance, and sometimes to open rebellion, which again requires violence to suppress. Essentially, this means that the winner constantly requires resources (military, material, intellectual) to maintain his victory.

Disconnection

In this case, the conflict is resolved by stopping interaction, breaking off relations between the parties. An example would be a divorce between spouses or the end of a quarrel between passengers on a bus after one of them gets off at the stop.

On the one hand, the separation of the conflicting parties completely resolves the conflict. On the other hand, it leads to a post-conflict situation, which can be very painful for one or both sides. And finally, this method of resolving a conflict cannot always be applied. Even divorced spouses do not always have the opportunity to separate; they are often connected by the presence of children. Competitors cannot leave the market. As a result of a break in contacts, the common cause collapses.

Reconciliation

As a rule, reconciliation is achieved through negotiations between the parties. Those in conflict either come to a compromise that takes into account some of the interests of both parties, or agree with the demands of one of the parties, or they invent a solution that completely suits all participants in the conflict.

In practice, those in conflict first of all enter into negotiations. And only after failure do they resolve the matter with violence or separate. Negotiations are the most constructive form of ending a conflict: they are resorted to even after a military confrontation.

Ending a conflict with the help of a third party

All these methods depend on what position the third participant will occupy. He can act as an impartial mediator or as a force supporting one of the parties.

Violence and social pressure. Violence involving a third party can be more weak side over the stronger one. From here, for example, came the practice of turning to a gangster or mafia “roof” for help.

Court. Judicial resolution of a conflict is based not on the parties’ subjective perceptions of their rightness, but on the system of law and public power. However, judicial resolution of conflicts has its advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, the court is an important achievement of civilization. On the other hand, no code of laws can take into account all the possible nuances of human relations - it is forced to adjust them to a certain standard. Secondly, there are loopholes in the legislation that allow you to turn the situation in your favor. And finally, justice court decision depends not only on the application of the law, but also on the ability of the judiciary to deeply understand the essence of the case.

Arbitration. The role of a third party is entrusted to a person (or group of persons), whose decision both parties undertake to obey. The main thing is that the conflicting parties are voluntarily ready to submit to the arbitration decision.

Winning and Losing in Conflict

Participants in a conflict usually view its conclusion as successful or unsuccessful depending on whether their goals are achieved or not. In this case, the impression arises that if one side won, then the other necessarily lost. Actually this is not true. That is, the “win-lose” situation, of course, exists, but in addition to it there are two more.

Losing is losing.“Let me die, but he will die too” - such an attitude is far from uncommon. It happens that one of the opponents, realizing the impossibility of achieving his goals, does everything to “drown” his opponent.”

Win - win. The parties offer each other cooperation in resolving the conflict. The area of ​​disagreement is perceived not as a battlefield, but as a working platform for finding the optimal solution.

How to get out of a conflict situation to your advantage?

There is no person who always has friendly relations with everyone. Not everyone shares our point of view. Therefore, sometimes you have to go into conflict. How else can you prove your opinion? How to get out of a conflict situation so that everyone is more or less comfortable?

It still cannot be done without conflicts. Therefore, you need to learn to treat conflict correctly so as not to worry about it for days, or even months, on end. What is conflict? Conflict is the expression of disagreement on a certain topic in an emotional form.

Of course, it is better not to enter into conflict and smooth out rough edges in advance, without taking things to extremes. But, if this happens, you need to find a way to get out of it with dignity.

It all depends on how strong the passions flared up when clarifying some issue. Sometimes, to smooth out a conflict, you can apologize, but sometimes this is not enough at all.

How to resolve the conflict? Let's consider several ways.

1.Evasion. This method is for people who hate conflicts, and it is extremely difficult for them to prove their point of view and there is no desire. Therefore, they try in every possible way to avoid the conflict.

2. Coercion. You can force your interlocutor to accept your position by putting pressure on him, using power and force.

3. Device. When a person, due to some circumstances, yields to his opponent with an apology. This method is acceptable for a boss-subordinate situation.

4. Collaboration. This is the most loyal way out of a conflict situation when both parties to the dispute are looking for solutions together.

5. Confrontation. This method focuses a person on achieving his own goals, without taking into account the interests of others. But no coercion is used. You are you, period. This method does not resolve anything, but it allows you to determine your interests, in short, it sets priorities.

Knowing such methods, it is easier for a person to get out of a conflict situation. In any case, to resolve the conflict, you need to understand its causes. If you find the reason, you will find a way to resolve the conflict, and, preferably, do it quickly. Your goal in a conflict situation is to resolve your problem to your benefit. This cannot be achieved by shouting. Be diplomatic, although, to be honest, this does not always work out. Resolve the conflict peacefully - and you are guaranteed.

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Conflicts happen in everyone's life. But some people cope with them relatively easily, while others get stuck in them for a long time. There are people who are at war with almost the whole world: conflicts at home, at work, with children and even with strangers.

All this is just evidence of strong internal discord. External Reality is only a reflection of what is happening inside!

And all because our Mind has the ability to see Reality in a mirror!

What is inside us, we project onto other people.

And when they reflect this to us, we are indignant.

As long as we are under the control of our emotions, it is impossible to be objective!

In this state, we are only able to React!

And although this is a fairly familiar position for many, it cannot be called effective!

Let's look at the conflict through the eyes of "Comrade Karpman" ().

By taking the position of the Offended, you automatically turn into a Victim.

And here it doesn’t matter at all whether you appointed yourself as such, or someone else did it (and you agreed with this).

Where there is a Victim, there is always a Persecutor. What would it be like without him?

And although people periodically change roles in the Karpman Triangle, it is extremely difficult to get out of it.

Such "Triangles" can exist for many years. People ruin each other's nerves, health, and lives, but they stubbornly fixate on the same roles: Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.

So how do you get out of the conflict?

I have already raised this topic in one of my articles. To summarize what has been said, you need to look at the conflict as a System of which you are a participant.

Usually we evaluate a situation based only on our own. Although, as we know, the problem cannot be resolved at the level at which it was created.

It is important to look at the conflict not only through the eyes of all its participants, but also through the eyes of an outside Observer (3rd position of perception).

And also do not forget about the NLP rule: “If one of the elements of the System changes, the whole system changes!”

I want to offer you a very simple technique for getting out of conflict, which can be done in just a few minutes.

What's good about her?

Firstly, it will require a new Role from you. Not the Victim, but the Observer, or more precisely, the Director.

And since there is no such Role in the Karpman Triangle, this will help take a step towards New Behavior and a decisive exit from this triangle.

Look at yourself and the person with whom you are in conflict and find an analogy: "What does it look like?"

Now imagine that you are a Director. And you need to explain to your actors how they should act out this scene.

Eg:

- It's like a dance between two dancers who endlessly step on each other's feet. Neither can dance, but at the same time they blame the other.

- It looks like the mother is scolding the child. He listens with half an ear and thinks about how to quickly run away to play. Mom understands this and gets angry. She is angry with herself, but takes her emotions out on the child.

(in reality, this could be the image of a wife and husband, whom she holds in the position of a child and nags all the time)

- It's like a cat playing with a mouse. The mouse is in a semi-fainting state, but the cat is having fun.

- It’s as if H. is constantly pulling the tiger’s tail, and it snarls, scratches him, and from time to time inflicts quite serious wounds.

Describe it so clearly and clearly that it becomes clear to the actors how to play it?

Describe the participants in the conflict.

It must be an adjective!

In my examples:

A CRITICAL dancer – and another - an Equally CRITICAL dancer

A PLAYING cat and a SCARED mouse to death

RELENTLESS (X) – FURIOUS and AGGRESSIVE tiger

Let's say one of these characters is you.

The other is a person with whom you have a conflict (and you don’t know how to get out of it).

What is his Intention when he behaves like this?

What is he thinking about at this moment?

What idea, thought or position does he want to convey?

What doesn't he like about your behavior? And why does he react this way?

What is he showing you? What does it mirror?

Why is he so (Critical/Strict/Playful)?

As the Indians say: " Walk around in this character's moccasins. Become one for a while!"

From this position, you will be able to look at the situation through his eyes, see and learn a lot of interesting things about yourself.

Now look at yourself (in this conflict) through the eyes of the Director.

-What do you look like? What's your breathing like? Posture? Pose? Voice? Timbre of speech? Facial expressions? Gestures?

- What are you saying? How are you behaving? How are you holding up?

You can give yourself any recommendations so that this scene suits you as a Director.

- What can you bring to this interaction? What knowledge or wisdom?

- What necessary qualities should you add? Softness? Strength? Attention? Playfulness? States of Presence……

This is clearly visible from the Director's position. I am sure that deep down, you know the best solution. And you will find it!

Look: do you like her or not?

You can always add something and play it again. Do this until you are happy with everything. Remember that you can only add something to yourself.

But you always have the opportunity to "put on your opponent's moccasins" and look at the situation (in which you demonstrate a new behavior) through his eyes.

And if you do this, you will notice that his reaction to you changes too.

Very important point! Pay attention to the environment!

Perhaps in your skit the Tiger will become so strong and aggressive that he will bite off the head of the one who is “pulling his tail.”

But what consequences await him next? Will they become the basis for an even stronger conflict, but now with other characters?

Therefore, it is very important that after the final run-through of the skit you have a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and a feeling that you have chosen best solution, which will not harm the other parties to the conflict.

And I would like to remind you that you have another wonderful tool for getting out of conflict.

This is the New NLP Code Game "Alphabet".

In my article "" I gave a very detailed algorithm on how to work with it.

The point is that through Parallel Processing you are disconnected from those negative thoughts, which do not give you the opportunity to look at the situation objectively, and even a little detached.

Parallel Processing - although a tricky word, it actually means that you are loading your attention to the fullest. different actions, performed simultaneously. Naturally, in such conditions it is impossible to think about anything else. So, for a while you take a break from the endless " internal dialogue". And during this time your Condition changes.

From this new position of perception, you can already give yourself good advice.

From time to time I attend the “Flow States Workshop” at my favorite Moscow NLP Center (which I graduated from several years ago). There we try it for ourselves different games New NLP Code and get wonderful results. Although these games look like children's games, their effect is not childish at all! And all participants note this! Sometimes problems that have been building up for years are solved literally before our eyes. As for myself, I receive not only interesting experience, but also powerful insights!

Our brain is designed in a very interesting way - it does not always distinguish an imaginary situation from a real one.

If, after playing this scene in a new way, you feel new reactions in your body to a conflict situation, rest assured that in real life, your perception will also change (and become close to what you just experienced).

You will see that you no longer feel the same emotions for the person who just recently annoyed you so much, drove you crazy and ruined your life.

Your new behavior and reactions are the best confirmation that you have left the Karpman Triangle and no longer need such experiences.

Although test situations cannot be ruled out: " How well did you learn your lesson?"

If you come out of them with honor, these lessons will no longer be repeated. After all, you were able to gain the necessary experience!

Any person is neither our friend nor our enemy, but the best Teacher!

And even if he himself does not always realize it, the message he brings to you is worth paying due attention to. After all, if you don’t want to read and understand it, conflict situations(with him or other characters) will be repeated exactly until you realize it!

As you can see, the Director's Role is much more interesting than the Victim's Role! After all, he always knows how to get out of a conflict!

ALL THE BEST!

WITH THANKS. ARINA