What is codependency? Self-test, ways to get out of co-dependent relationships. Signs of a codependent relationship

Codependency develops in families with an unhealthy emotional background, in strict religious communities, and also when living for more than 6 months with a person who has any type of addiction. Loss of oneself, constant patience and dissatisfaction, depression, a feeling of panic - these are only a small part of the problems that love addiction brings with it.

To treat codependency, as well as to treat any addiction, the program is used "12 steps", which gradually leads the patient to an awareness of inner freedom as a value and an understanding that pain is not an indispensable sign of love - and even vice versa.

Let's talk about how to get rid of codependency in 12 steps.

Step 1

The first step in overcoming codependency is saying goodbye to the illusion that the situation is under control. Recognizing a problem and refusing to repress invariably means transferring it from the unconscious, beyond human control, into consciousness, where it can be solved with the help of reason. Gaining sanity is one step away from codependency.

At this stage, the patient comes to the realization that he cannot cope on his own and needs the help of qualified psychologists and experienced mentors. The willingness to change, to look at oneself from the outside, to see through the eyes of another person, to abstract from the need that has captured the mind - this is a mandatory start to recovery.

Step 2

By admitting that he is unable to control the situation with the power of his own self, languishing from the disease, the patient thus recognizes the presence of another, decisive force that keeps him afloat and does not allow his personality to be completely destroyed by addiction. The source of this power is determined by the patient individually - someone is healed by faith in God; for some, a favorite job that gives them self-confidence and requires increased professionalism; some find solid ground in their family and friends, and some believe in the medical knowledge of the attending physicians who take part in their fate. At this stage, a person gains hope for a happy outcome of the disease.

Step 3

The third step is making a decision and sticking to it. Relying on some dominant force, the patient agrees with the inevitability of its influence and accepts the rules of the game that it dictates. The secret of this stage is that submission to the chosen force is not the formation of a new codependency, but a completely conscious decision to take specific steps (since freedom is the right to choose restrictions for oneself).

Rules (instructions from doctors, the Bible, job responsibilities, etc.) serve as a kind of crutch for the weakened will of the patient. Rational submission to objective conditions, and not to the momentary moods of another person, gives the addict a respite, a kind of island to which he can anchor and look back on his life.

Step 4

At the fourth stage, the chosen force becomes the judge for the thoughts, actions, and most importantly, the person’s past. It serves as the personification of the Super-Ego (that part of the personality that we usually call conscience and which allows us to correlate our impulses with objective reality). Now the patient must honestly and impartially analyze his mistakes and his personality from a moral point of view.

Step 5

The feeling of guilt caused by ruthless self-analysis should not remain inside the patient, causing his condition to worsen. It is directed outward - we are used to calling it repentance. In fact, a person identifies the reasons that led to the formation of incorrect life attitudes and, ultimately, to addiction. Their perfect acceptance frees a person - mistakes are securely sealed in the past, and understanding their nature simplifies the fight against them in the future.

Step 6

At the sixth stage, the patient is mentally prepared to get rid of addiction. He comes to the realization that he is on the verge of a new life, and soon the healing power will help him get rid of past problems. The preparation stage is characterized by the patient’s farewell to his former way of thinking - as well as the recognition of the chosen power’s ability to change it radically.

Step 7

At the seventh stage, the patient takes specific actions to correct it. The source of energy for these changes is the feeling of guilt, which allows the addict to keep himself within limits and avoid new actions that can aggravate this feeling. Now the patient can attend trainings and consultations for those who have already gotten rid of codependency in 12 steps, follow the theses put forward by his chosen source of healing. Fully personalized power becomes the guide for change.

Step 8

The person realizes that he behaved selfishly and through his behavior unknowingly caused pain to others. He is preparing to look into the eyes of those whom he has offended and tormented, and is looking for words and ways to compensate for the harm from his actions and manipulations.

Step 9

At this stage 12 step codependency treatment It is not enough to receive forgiveness - the patient must analyze who exactly suffered from his actions and take action to compensate for the damage. The feeling that the guilt has been smoothed over and debts have been paid will allow a person to build comfortable relationships with others, not burdened by fear and uncertainty. Often it is the inability to interact with other people on an equal basis, the feeling of guilt in front of them that leads to the formation of a painful personality characteristic of codependent relationships. Helping others transforms aggressive selfish needs.

Step 10

The 10th step from codependency is daily self-analysis, an honest admission of mistakes made, which returns to the patient a sense of control over what is happening through a clear understanding of it. The acquired skills of reflection, psychological hygiene, withdrawal and transformation of negative experiences are actively used for self-rehabilitation and solving pressing problems, eliminating the need for a codependent model of behavior and forming an independent personality in assessments (including of oneself).

Step 11

The mood for self-improvement is regularly reinforced by appealing to a personalized healing force, which serves as a projection of the superego. This mode of moral interaction has the character of a practical ritual, which constantly brings the life of the addict into conformity with the new principles introduced by the guiding force.

Step 12

The last stage is aimed at restoring self-respect, awareness of one's own worth and importance, which directly stem from a sense of usefulness to society. The addict acquires a new meaning and a new vector of activity, which is expressed in helping other addicts - and the readiness to provide it at any time.

The method of treating codependency uses the so-called. workbook is a structured step group guide that contains specific exercises for each step. “12 Steps” lectures on methods of getting rid of codependency are usually given in a group, on condition of anonymity.

Visiting groups of anonymous codependents is not possible in all cities, but you can cope with trouble with the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist in a drug treatment clinic; it is drug treatment specialists who best know how to get rid of painful attachment to an addict.

Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Codependent relationships differ from so-called normal relationships in how we feel in them. In normal and we feel normal, i.e. calm, not tense. And in a codependent relationship, a person either feels obligated to do something in relation to another person, or forced, or “inconvenient to do this” in relation to another.

Codependency in relationships - ways to get rid of it

Quite a lot has been written on the topic of codependent relationships lately. And I don’t mean now the relationship between a person who abuses something and his relatives who are dependent on his abuse. I mean that emotional and behavioral dependence, which is one of the types of relationships between people who are not self-sufficient, who enter into relationships on an unequal basis. That is, not as equal partners who have a conscious understanding of their own and others’ boundaries, as well as an understanding of projections in their perception of others.

I will not give long definitions and criteria to distinguish codependent and non-codependent relationships. I am writing this article for a practical purpose.: for those people who already understand the term “codependent relationships” quite well and realize that such relationships have happened in their lives. Or maybe they continue to take place, but a person has already “ripened” to get rid of them, but does not know how to do it. My article will be about methods.

I will bring to your attention some algorithm, using which you can, without outside help, deal with the moments to which codependency “hooks” you b. So that then it becomes possible to feel differently in relationships with the same people with whom these relationships previously seemed difficult or unbearable. That is, much freer and calmer. I will add here that Codependent relationships differ from so-called normal relationships in how we feel in them. In normal and we feel normal, i.e. calm, not tense. And in a codependent relationship, a person either feels obligated to do something in relation to another person, or forced, or “inconvenient to do this” in relation to another.

This is one of the main characteristics by which we can determine what the nature of our relationships with other people is - whether they are codependent or not. That is, do we have a feeling (or a feeling, everyone manifests it in their own way) that we are somehow obligated or burdened by a relationship with another person, and if we are not burdened, then we seem to be connected with him and it seems to untie scary or unbearable.

I hope it's clearer now, What I mean by codependency and what I suggest you work with in order to feel free and good - regardless of whether you have a relationship and with whom it is. For, as soon as we get rid of the codependency component, the relationship stops being burdensome and begins to develop, and we have the opportunity to develop in these relationships without binding others.

Precisely “without binding”. “Binding” occurs because in codependent relationships the connection is always two-way. And if it seems to us that we are being controlled or manipulated, that we are being “sucked out of energy,” then this all happens not due to some manipulation abilities of others, but due to the fact that there is something in ourselves for which this connection is “attached” to us, that’s why, in fact, we react so intensely: sometimes with irritation, sometimes with anger, or even with a desire, through some volitional effort, to break and end this connection with the “tormentors.”

In this case, it’s not easy for the “tormentors” themselves, because and they are hostages of the reverse side of the bundle, and do not always understand What they are pushed into not the healthiest interactions with others.

Therefore, if you understand that codependency has bindings in both directions - each of the participants in the relationship for something different– then it becomes logical to assume that when the connection is removed from one side, then the other side ceases to be tied according to the “old model”. And the opportunity arises to change the nature of the relationship. Or, if this is impossible (and it is impossible when only one party has a desire to change the relationship, and the other does not change anything), all the same, there is a fairly free feeling of being the side that has understood the nature of its “attachment” and got rid of it.

That is, the first step in the procedure of one’s own liberation from codependent relationships is the awareness of three points:

1. that these relationships are codependent, because we do not feel free in them;

2. that this relationship is two-way, but we can change its nature for myself(to feel independent);

3. that by removing our “attachment”, we free not only ourselves, but also the other side of this relationship from codependency.

Let's say you have a certain relative (mother, aunt, grandmother) or relative with whom you do not want to quarrel or argue and to whom you have already explained clearly many times that his phone calls and long stories about his movements and news ( at a completely inappropriate time for you) distract you, interfere with you, prevent you from working, etc.

However, this relative continues to call, tell, and do something else, completely ignoring your requests and explanations. And you are quite well-mannered, polite, patient (to your own detriment, because these calls irritate you), moreover, you have a hidden (or obvious) conviction that you need to endure and respect your elders (although the question here is not about respect, namely about “patience”), and you courageously endure, wasting your time and energy, gradually becoming more and more irritated, and then you also scold yourself for what a bad person I am, as if it’s difficult for me to listen to my elderly aunt once again .

Although, in fact, your irritation in this case is a good helper in understanding that your personal boundaries are being violated, and that you cannot do anything about it yet. And that neither patience nor explanations help, and you don’t want to experience irritation (or other negative feelings). Right?

Perhaps you have the same type of interaction not only with relatives, but also simply with neighbors, or with co-workers, or with that person whom you once loved or love now.

If you recognized something of your own in the description of the example, then the next step in getting rid of codependency, I suggest you not do what you usually did - complain about not being heard, try to explain something again (considering that they still don’t listen to you) or attribute some unflattering epithets to your relationship partner. All this may temporarily ease your feelings, but it does not change the situation.. Therefore, instead of everything that has already been tried and does not help, I offer you ask yourself a question:

What would I like to do (to be honest, without appealing to my own conscience or duty), but for various reasons do not allow myself to stop experiencing this very irritation (or other negativity)?

I’ll note right away that asking yourself a question and answering it will not at all mean that it will definitely have to be done. The good thing about this method is that it allows you to avoid casualties on the other side. All you have to do is find and notice your feelings, and then think about what they motivate you to do.

So, think about it - what would you do to avoid experiencing negative feelings when communicating with the person with whom you somehow experience them? Understanding at the same time that you either “need” to communicate, or you simply and do not want to stop this communication and relationship, but would only like to change them a little.

One of my clients answered that she would like to burst into tears, another - that she would just burst into tears, the third - to make a claim to her mother that she always makes her guilty. But, of course, they don't do all this. And then The following question comes to ourselves:

- What prevents me from doing what I would like?

Some people are hampered by the fear of offending another person. For some, it is unbearable to feel guilty (if a person has been taught to feel this way since childhood, then over time it becomes quite unbearable). For someone else, something else, something of their own.

Determine what is stopping you, what is stopping you from letting off steam. And realize this simple thing - what bothers you(some feeling or fear you have from expecting some imaginary consequences), and there is a means by which you can be manipulated. Here it becomes especially obvious that it is not others who manipulate us, but we ourselves become amenable to manipulation because inside of us, somewhere very deep for some, sits this unconscious feeling of fear or expectation of bad consequences...

It is clear that the roots of all this were laid in childhood. For some, in the process of answering the proposed questions, memories from early childhood may come to mind, others will simply see this in themselves and be very surprised. Anyway, Now you are already aware of what you can use to be “controlled” from the outside. And this knowledge will greatly help us further.

Because this is the end of the thread (and for some, the ship’s rope) to which our codependency holds on.

But how can you “untie” this end from yourself?

To do this, you need to think about the following question: why am I so scared of these consequences? Imagine for a short time what will happen if I still allow myself to do what I forbid?

Someone will immediately “picture” their mother’s heart attack (well, if your mother told you since childhood that because of your behavior her heart hurts), someone will think that then he will be left alone and no one needs him (“you will behave like this, we’ll give you to that guy over there” or leave you here alone), someone will be horrified by some terrible thoughts about the consequences.

You see, thoughts, your own, and not from the possible consequences themselves. Because you don’t know for sure about the consequences that may (or may not) exist. And you’ve been accustomed to thinking this way since childhood, because that’s when you there is a connection between your behavior and the behavior of others. You have learned to think that you are responsible for the health, feelings, behavior (and anything else) of other people. And you are not the answer. There is no such connection. None of us are responsible for what others feel or think. Just as none of us is given the opportunity to climb into the body or head of another person and become him. Do you understand?

Yes, our words or actions can be an external trigger that can cause upset to others. But whether to be upset or not is another person’s choice. And it depends only on himself, and not on you. AND making you responsible means not taking responsibility for your feelings, thoughts or behavior.

This is why many (already adult) people simultaneously experience irritation, anger and fear of offending someone: because in childhood they imposed this responsibility, although in essence this cannot be, and should not have been. Accordingly, the one who imposed this kind of responsibility on the child was himself an immature person who did not understand his feelings and behavior.

But our task now is not to expose or condemn others, especially since we are not judges and do not know the reasons why such “immaturity” developed in our loved ones. Our task is to help ourselves. AND It is for this reason that we do not analyze the behavior of others, but think about our own feelings and desires, as well as fears from the realm of irrational ones.

After all, if you think about it now, as adults, you can finally understand that That the sacred horror that even just thoughts about possible consequences evoke in us is the result of childhood perception. Indeed, in those moments when we assimilated without criticism everything that was told to us, we were also afraid of what What they promise us that they will leave us alone, that our mother will die because of us, or something else terrible and difficult to imagine.

Therefore, the next step in “untying” codependency is to separate what is actually happening now from the meaning (usually terrible for us) that we are accustomed to attach to it. And also a clear understanding of the moment that None of our actions or words can directly harm other people.. And all possible consequences will be only their own choice, even if they want to blame us for their feelings...

As a rule, at the moment of such separation it becomes much easier to feel and sometimes this is enough. However, there is one more good point that greatly helps in accepting relatives (friends, acquaintances) as they are, without the desire to remake them (and this is what causes our irritation in long conversations).

By the way, our desire to change others is a consequence of the same educated belief that we are responsible for the feelings of others. After all, if we are responsible, then we can influence with our behavior, words and other things. No we can not. Let's leave these matters to other people themselves, or to fate, or to God. It is definitely not in our competence to change others.

The last thing I suggest doing to completely get out of those unpleasant feelings that a codependent relationship gives is this think - through whose eyes do we look at the person with whom we are codependent?

This is especially well understood in the example of relatives. When we think about them, we are afraid of some consequences and other things that we think we know for sure about them , we look at them through the eyes of the child we recognized and remembered them as. Therefore, we “see” and know our “troubling” relatives only on one side, on the one that is our projection of this person like our mom or aunt, our dad or grandpa, and so on. We don't know this person!

We are used to thinking about him the way we are used to, because we communicate not so much with him, but with his projection, which was formed in us in childhood. And, naturally, To change this projection (or better yet, get out of it altogether), we need to change our point of view. That is, stop looking at this person through the eyes of a small child and see that he is more than we think about him, that he can do more than we are used to fearing. Then the remaining (if any) grievances will immediately disappear, because they are an integral part of this projection and our attitude towards the person.

And then, finally, the long-awaited relief will come from the simple understanding that I am an adult, and the other person is also an adult. Yes, perhaps with his own problems (and who doesn’t?), but he’s just different, even if he’s my relative. And I practically don’t know him enough to draw any conclusions regarding his behavior or the consequences of mine in his direction. And the only thing we can learn to do effectively is to communicate, get to know each other and really ask sincerely and with interest: does this person need and how much of our help does he need, and what does he mean when he tells us something, etc. .d, etc. Without any projections or overthinking.

Of course, there are possible options for communicating with people who benefit from being in a dependent state. But even here you can communicate by choosing the distance. The most important thing that usually happens after thoughtfully answering all the questions asked above is the emergence of a feeling of liberation or calmness . Everything that was not yet in place falls into place, and a person learns to be more attentive to both his own boundaries and the boundaries of others, which becomes a real way beyond codependency, and allows him to move towards creating relationships at a different level - the level of mutual respect and non-violence.

If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

First of all, this takes time. The pattern of behavior with which we have lived our entire lives, although dysfunctional, is our habitual way of life. It is simply impossible to change it overnight. As with any type of addiction, recovery from codependency also requires a radical change in the way we approach life. Learning new behavior patterns to learn how to cope with life situations and difficulties in new ways.

In this article I will try to give some recommendations on how to begin your journey to freedom from codependency.

1. Codependents Anonymous 12 Steps Program

This program is one of the most effective ways to get rid of codependency. Following the steps methodically helps us recognize that we have a problem, accept the nature of our condition, and at the same time gradually learn to live free of codependency. Recovery from codependency is a complex and lengthy process. It requires a complete change in one's own beliefs, both in relation to oneself and in relation to others. Working in this program helps you move step by step towards this transformation. Changing our behavior does not happen overnight, but, thanks to continuous work, we gradually get rid of harmful ways of thinking and erroneous beliefs, become more independent, and learn to build truly harmonious relationships with people.

Most of the recovery methods proposed in this article are based precisely on the principles of the 12 Steps of Codependents Anonymous program and on the development of your own.

1. Take responsibility for your own life (go to self-care)

Recovering from codependency means recognizing that our main task is to change our priorities in life and take responsibility for our own lives. We need to learn to take care of ourselves, to switch to “full self-care.” With this approach, our relationships will inevitably become healthier and more functional. The fact is that such behavior, when a person takes care first of all about himself, his needs and wants, puts his own desires at the forefront, showing healthy selfishness.

This is a foreign concept to many codependents. But if you decide to end your suffering, then you must stop relying on others for everything and take responsibility for your own life. Recovery from codependency begins the moment you begin to let go of the belief that others are responsible for your well-being and quality of life. As codependents, we waste valuable time and energy in fruitless attempts to get others to give us a sense of wholeness. It was a lifelong journey to nowhere, filled with suffering, disappointment and resentment. If you have finally decided to end your codependent life, then you need to face the truth and admit that no one is responsible for the quality of your life except yourself.

Responsibilities:

We must admit that we are adults who simply must take responsibility for our lives, for our decisions and actions. It is I who am responsible for solving my problems. I am responsible for the decisions I make in life, for the consequences of those decisions, for what I give to others and what I receive from them in return. I am responsible for setting and achieving goals in life. I am responsible for how I behave towards other people and how, in turn, I allow others to behave towards me. I am responsible for the actions that I take to implement my plans.

You have to tell yourself: I have the right to expect something in this life, I have the right to ask questions and get answers to them, I have the right to trust my feelings, and my emotions are completely appropriate. I value my own needs and desires. I do not deserve and will not tolerate violence or abuse. I am responsible for setting boundaries regarding behavior in others that I find unacceptable and am personally responsible for maintaining the boundaries I set. I have personal rights, and I have a responsibility to defend them.

Area of ​​responsibility:

My task is to be able to determine and decide where another person’s area of ​​responsibility for his life begins, and to understand that I have no right to interfere in it. I need to avoid manipulative strategies. My children, spouse, relatives and friends have the right to live their own lives as they choose, and I will respect their right to choose. Despite the fact that they may abuse alcohol or lead an incorrect lifestyle, from my point of view, nevertheless, it is my responsibility to recognize that I am not able to determine their fate. My responsibility, first of all, is not to try to save someone and solve other people’s problems, but to try to solve my own problems.

My life is the only thing that I really have the power to change and that I can really influence. I am responsible for taking care of my life, and this in turn means that I allow others to live their lives. Taking care of myself and my interests is not a selfish act, and this does not mean that I show indifference or indifference towards my loved ones. This only means that I finally realize where my personal area of ​​​​responsibility lies. This means that I accept the right of others close to me to live their lives the way they want and to take care of themselves.

Start now and you will see how much your life and the lives of your loved ones will change!

1. Think back to your childhood

No matter how trite it sounds, the foundation of our life today was laid precisely then. It is useless to try to change the present without understanding and realizing your past.

Codependency always has very specific reasons for its occurrence and formation. Such analysis should not be used as an opportunity to blame our parents for all our troubles or come up with excuses that will help us continue to remain in self-pity and inaction. Rather, it should be an exercise aimed at better understanding the roots of our condition, as well as motivating us to get better.

This is the third step to get rid of addictive and codependent relationships.

Children form and develop their self-awareness, self-esteem, learn to communicate and express their needs and feelings through interaction with their parents. Most children who grew up in families of alcoholics, drug addicts, or simply in dysfunctional families where there were no healthy boundaries between its members were constantly deprived of proper upbringing and attention from their parents. As a result, they simply did not have the foundations for developing self-esteem and self-respect.

The fundamental misconception formed during this period of life that we are unworthy and flawed people leads to a combination of character traits that causes the development of codependency.

We grow up believing that we are inferior and that our needs and desires don't matter or that we shouldn't have feelings. As children, we learned that the best way to stay safe and survive is to take care of others. Unfortunately, having matured, we continue to live according to the same pattern. Part of the process of recovering from codependency is understanding and being aware of the conditions in which we were raised and how they influence our thoughts and beliefs today. When we understand the roots of our destructive behavior patterns, we have a much better chance of changing ourselves.

Confession

Many of us find it difficult to admit that our childhood was quite sad and joyless. Most prefer to deny it and pretend that we had loving parents. This denial of obvious facts protects us from remembering childhood hurts and pain that we would otherwise have to come to terms with. In addition, from childhood we are accustomed to “not washing dirty linen in public,” to think or speak “badly” about our family members and remain loyal to them regardless of how they themselves treated us. Despite all the psychological defense mechanisms, experience shows that recognizing the truth about our past is inevitable and part of a constructive process of restoration.

1. Develop healthy egoism and assertive behavior

Recovering from codependency means, first of all, learning to take care of yourself. This means that our own needs and desires become paramount. Our interests become more important than the continuous and constant pleasing of others. To do this, we need to learn to say “no” to everything that is not in our interests. No to everything we didn’t want to do, but did before to please others. No to any actions on the part of other people that we consider reprehensible or disrespectful towards us. Everything that we don’t want to do and everything that deprives us of internal integrity and limits our personal freedom.

For codependents, learning to say “no” is very difficult. But this is absolutely necessary if we want to defend the right to have a position and respect for ourselves. We have lived our entire lives denying or ignoring our needs and desires. Having placed concern for others above ourselves, we arrived in the vain hope that others would reciprocate and take care of us. But at that moment when we finally finally realize the groundlessness and futility of these expectations, we come to the understanding that only we ourselves can take care of ourselves in the best way.

At this very moment, all illusions finally leave us. Once we begin to give up everything that implores our worth and integrity, we begin to value ourselves more. We begin to live a life free of expectations and resentments. The less we expect from others, the less we are disappointed in them. We are no longer constrained by the negative beliefs we learned in childhood that other people should take care of us. Therefore, we can safely build our own lives the way we ourselves want it.

Value and respect yourself

By constantly yielding to other people in everything, by readily responding to every, even the most ridiculous, and sometimes downright arrogant request, by such behavior we unambiguously let them know that we are completely in their power. In essence, we have turned into willing slaves, ready to fulfill the master’s every whim. We act as if we are still little children trying to please adults, earn their love and attention, or avoid punishment and humiliation at all costs.

This only once again confirms our lack of any self-respect, deprives us of autonomy and independence, systematically killing self-esteem. A huge and most important part of the process of recovery from codependency involves the ability to defend your own rights. But without counter rudeness and aggression, and without ingratiatingly submitting and as if begging for a reward. It is necessary to build relationships with other people on equal terms, as equal partners, and not as a slave with a master or an aggressor with a victim. This is called assertive behavior.

Accustomed to the role of eternal victim, we may think that such behavior is a manifestation of selfishness and inattention to the needs of others. But, strange as it may seem, refusing something that is not acceptable to us is a sign of caring. Both about yourself, first of all, and about other people. We must give up our desire to please everyone and please everyone. It must be recognized that in some cases we will encounter counter-discontent from our loved ones.

Enter a new future

Our new, unusual and incomprehensible behavior for them can confuse them. But if these are people who truly love and value us, then after some bewilderment they will understand and accept us as new and changed. They will respect our position, while at the same time recognizing our right to the very fact of its existence. We will no longer be treated as “grown-up children”, they will begin to respect our opinion, listen to it and take into account our point of view. This is the process of building new relationships with the world around us.

A new behavioral model of interaction with people. We begin to gradually free ourselves from the role of victim, and look at ourselves as strong and worthy people. We are taking another step towards recovery from codependency.

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Natalya Kaptsova

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Unlike alcohol (or even drug) addiction, which everyone recognizes as such, few people recognize codependency as an illness. Rather, it’s quite the opposite – they simply deny it or don’t notice it. Although practicing psychologists believe that this disorder requires treatment without fail.

What is this codependency, is it so terrible, and how to get rid of it?

What is codependency - types and stages of codependency in relationships

The term “codependency” is usually used to describe a (permanent) state that involves deep absorption in another person and a powerful dependence on him (note – physical, primitive social or emotional).

To put it simply, codependency is when we are forced to live someone else’s life to our own detriment, resignedly lying down under the steamroller of another person’s needs. It’s all for him to forget about himself.

The reasons for codependency lie in early “difficult” childhood, and everyone has their own (from a penniless childhood and lack of love to alcoholic parents, domestic violence and other childhood moral traumas).

Of course, there are many more “masks” of codependency. They can be changed or even worn at the same time. It is impossible to list everything. Therefore, you should not think that if you haven’t found your “portrait” here, then you don’t have codependency.

Stages of codependency in relationships - how does it develop?

Naturally, it does not come out of nowhere - its roots are in the subconscious.

But the development of codependency does not happen in 1 day...

• 1st stage. Attachment to a partner is formed. In the process of its formation, any shortcomings (including obvious points that should be focused on), mistakes, mistakes, bad habits, etc. go unnoticed. A person simply ignores them because feelings are overwhelming, and through rose-colored glasses, shortcomings always seem like nonsense, or even advantages. At the same time, social connections are reduced to nothing - there are fewer and fewer meetings with friends, walks around the city, visits to relatives, etc. The circle closes around one single person.
• 2nd stage. A white lie: everything is good, everything is great, and even if it’s bad, it will pass. We just have to wait it out. This is what a codependent thinks when faced with the other side of the relationship. Self-esteem drops to a minimum, there is no one to talk to (all contacts have long been reduced to nothing), confusion gives way to depression, aggression, hysterics, etc. (each has his own, in accordance with the situation and moral stability). Gradually the realization comes that it will no longer be possible to live separately and independently. I still want to change something, but the fear is stronger.
• 3rd stage. Humility, indifference, apathy. It doesn’t matter what will happen tomorrow, what is today, and Groundhog Day repeats itself endlessly from month to month. The desire to change anything disappears completely. A constant feeling of emptiness and depression gradually affect your health.

The dangers of codependency - how do codependent people behave in relationships?

At its core, codependency is a kind of adaptation to conditions in which you feel uncomfortable, and in which you take on more than you should and can bear.

What signs can be used to determine that you are codependent?

• You feel constant discomfort, but you don’t understand where it comes from and how to deal with it.
• You know where your discomfort comes from, but you don’t want to fight it because you’re lazy, scared, or you can’t.
• You are a chronically tired person, but you can’t even give yourself an hour to rest, because the word “should” runs ahead of you.
• You have given up communicating with friends and are building your entire world only around him (her).
• You deny yourself your desires, hobbies, interests if your partner doesn’t like it.
• You pass all problems “through your heart,” including other people’s problems. You are not able to determine the line beyond which your problems end and other people’s problems begin, which you should not solve. You take on everything that is assigned to you, and even take the initiative yourself.
• You have extremely low self-esteem. And even rare support from the outside is not able to convince you that you are beautiful, talented, self-sufficient, etc. (underline as necessary).
• You are afraid of tarnishing your reputation. The worst thing for you is if they think badly of you.
• You often find yourself in situations in which you or your expectations are deceived.
• You should have everything under control. Even things that you don’t need to think about at all and aren’t supposed to.

Is codependency dangerous?

Yes, it's dangerous. Especially when she goes to stage 2. Because it is already difficult to leave the 2nd stage, and at the 3rd stage, codependency can even lead to suicide.

Codependency is not a “symbiosis” of two partners, this is a disease that needs to be treated. On your own - or with the help of specialists.

How to get rid of codependency in relationships and find freedom - practical advice from psychologists

Refusal from codependency always causes “withdrawal” and resistance from the body. There is a feeling that trying to get out of this “vicious circle” is almost a betrayal of the partner.

In fact, you need to clearly understand that only those relationships will become truly harmonious, warm and creative, in which there is no harm to one’s own interests.

It is clear that in a relationship someone is always forced to give in, but if that someone is always you, then you are already on the wrong road.

• First of all, you need to realize and accept the fact that you are codependent. , and that this is a problem that needs to be solved.
• Figure out what are the roots and causes of your codependency. Why are you behaving this way? What are you trying to achieve? What are you running from? What are your fears?
• Get rid of your fears. This is sometimes the most important thing. And often this is enough to see life with fresh eyes. How to get rid of fears? Just. Start small. For example, you are afraid to sing in front of someone. Start singing. At home, with members of the household. Karaoke with friends. On the balcony, in the bathroom, in line at the checkout, humming your favorite songs to yourself. Further more. Are you afraid of loneliness? Take advantage of the opportunity to be alone more often. Go on business trips, spend the night with your parents, do something that requires you to often leave home and your partner.
• The desire to indulge, save, control, patronize, dissolve, and take responsibility for everything should not become your habit, much less your worldview. Fight such habits immediately. It’s one thing to greet your husband every evening with dinner, and quite another to watch him at the door, bring him slippers and look into his eyes like a dog. You are 100% self-sufficient. If you want, you will be kind today, and if you don’t want to, then even dinner won’t be ready, because you worked 12 hours at work and you don’t have the strength. If he wants, let him order pizza. Of course, there is no need to rush from one extreme to another. No one has canceled their responsibilities in the family, and no one is interested in a wife who doesn’t care about anything. It is important to feel the line beyond which the natural desire to do something useful and pleasant ends, and stupid self-sacrifice begins.
• and your free time. Stop humiliating yourself with self-criticism, find the best sides in yourself and develop them. Develop yourself as a whole. You should not stand still or languish in the swamp of your self-sacrifice, you have life, and only one - use it wisely. Remember what you wanted, what you dreamed about, what remained unfinished and unmaterialized.
• Clearly realize that there are things, events, etc. that are beyond our control. For example, it is impossible to earn all the money, take home all the stray dogs, help everyone in need, etc. Do what you can. Don't try to jump above yourself. Of course, there are situations that require us to sacrifice ourselves (for example, the illness of a loved one), but self-sacrifice should not become the norm. This is an exception, a feat, if you like. There must be a really serious and compelling reason for you to give up everything you love, at the request of your partner or at your own request, but for his sake. If there is no such reason (no one dies, there is no threat to life and health), then you are on the wrong path.
• Don't try to solve everything at once. This is impossible. Even if you abruptly break off the relationship, your codependency will not go away, it will simply be transferred to another person. You must solve the problem “on the spot” - gradually, step by step, noting, recognizing and correcting all your mistakes. We need to learn to solve problems on the ground, and not run away from them.
• Realize that complete dissolution in your partner and abandonment of your own life is a path to nowhere. If you give everything, then there is nothing left of you (according to the laws of physics and more). Empty place. You cannot allow yourself to dissolve in a person so much that only your shadow remains. Anything can happen in life - a partner can leave, get sick, die. And then what to do if you can’t imagine life without him? Loving with all your soul is wonderful. Giving yourself wholeheartedly is wonderful. But be sure to keep at least a small part of yourself. So as not to go crazy if “it will be excruciatingly painful.” And to have enough strength to cope with fears, loneliness and other difficulties.

And - be yourself.

Codependency is a kind of duplicity. Moreover, it is destructive for the codependent and for relationships in general.

How do you know if you have recovered from codependency?

• You are filled with joy from the feeling of freedom. Not imaginary, but real. Fatigue and depression were replaced by lightness and the desire to live to the fullest.
• Everything that bothered you no longer bothers you. Because you have either already solved the problem or changed your attitude towards it.
• You have refused responsibility for the life and health of the partner.
• The boundaries of what is permitted are clearly defined in your relationship.
• You no longer have the fear of losing your partner and be left alone.
• You stopped talking a lot about nothing. That is, to prove something to someone, constantly explain, make excuses and complain.
• You quite calmly replace his interests with yours. , and feel no remorse.

No matter how difficult it may be, remember that you can solve any problem. The main thing is to understand this and start working in this direction.

And one day you will celebrate your own independence day.

Have there been similar situations in your relationship? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

Codependent people are completely absorbed in the task of saving a loved one. In a certain sense, codependency is a denial of oneself, one’s desires, interests and feelings. But they don't notice it the importance of one's own interests is lost.

Types of codependency, ways to get out, seven love languages

Codependent behavior is formed not in marriage with an addicted person, but much earlier - in the parental home. Codependents differ in their feelings self-doubt. Wish receive love and increase your sense of self-worth being implemented by showing concern about others. They have the confidence that the other person won't just love him for the fact that he exists, they believe that love must be earned.

Codependent people do not know how to define their own boundaries, where “I” ends and the other person begins. Problems, feelings, desires - they have everything in common, everything is shared between them.

The main behavioral traits of codependents are: desire to "save" loved ones; hyper-responsibility(take to myself responsibility for another person's problems); life in constant suffering, pain and fear (as a result of “freezing” of feelings - It is difficult for such a person to answer the question: “What do you feel now?”); all attention and interests are concentrated outside of oneself - on a loved one.

Dependents people, on the contrary, have a reduced sense of responsibility. Their existence is possible only in union with a codependent person who takes upon himself the solution to their problems.

Typically for codependency:

• delusion, denial, self-deception;
• compulsive actions;
• “frozen” feelings;
• low self-esteem, self-loathing, guilt;
• suppressed anger, uncontrolled aggression;
• pressure and control over another person, intrusive help;
• focus on others, ignoring one's needs, psychosomatic illnesses;
• communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

We can distinguish three typical roles of codependent people (Cartman’s triangle):

• the role of “savior”;
• the role of the “pursuer”;
• the role of the “victim”.

Stages of codependency

How does codependency develop? After all, there’s no such thing: today everything is fine, but tomorrow morning you wake up and, bang... you’re codependent. Even if all questions with predisposition are included, then everything is still not so fast. Darlene Lancer, family therapist and codependency specialist, cites 3 stages of its development

Early stage

1. Formation of attachment to addiction. Offering and providing gratuitous assistance, support, gifts and other concessions.

2. Constantly trying to be liked (to turn out to be a “kind”, “good” person who deserves trust).

3. Concern with the behavior of the addict, how and what is happening in his life, how he behaves, why this is happening.

4. Rationalization of the addict’s behavior (there are explanations why he is addicted and that he has no other choice not to be addicted)

5. Doubts about what you see. (Even if the person is drunk, obviously went for a bottle, for a dose, or to play slot machines, the codependent refuses to believe and drives away the thought of what is happening. Gives himself explanations “in fact, this is ...")

6. Denial of addiction (“in fact, he is not an alcoholic, he just sometimes drinks a bottle of vodka 7 days a week. This is only to relieve stress.” “In fact, he is not addicted to computer games, he just does what he loves, is distracted from everyday life)

7. Refusal of your own activity. (They stay at home so that the husband doesn’t get drunk)

8. Reducing social contacts (communicate with those who understand which dependent partner is poor and unhappy and maintain a conversation on this topic)

9. The codependent’s own mood depends on the behavior of the partner and his mood.

Middle stage

1. Denial and minimization of painful aspects (yes, he stole money, but there was still little of it there, yes, it was lying under a fence, but the fence was good and there was no dirt around)

2. Covering up (if a person is engaged in the implementation of his addiction, “excuse” him, a white lie)

3. Anxiety, guilt, self-blame (I am doing little or doing something wrong, since he continues to behave incorrectly)

4. Decreased self-esteem

5. Isolation from friends and acquaintances

6. Constant control over the addict

7. “Nagging”, accusations, manipulation (“I’ll kill myself if you continue…”, “you’ve ruined my whole life”)

8. Anger and confusion (after “everything has been done correctly”, behavior has been changed, conditions have been created, everything has been bought, everything has been sold, specialists, psychics and sorcerers have been involved, he still behaves incorrectly)

9. Understanding that you truly cannot control the life around you and are subject to the whims of the addict.

10. Constant mood swings no longer dependent on the behavior of the addict.

11. Removing responsibility from the addict (it is not his fault that he drinks, takes drugs, gambles)

12. The emergence of “family secrets” (no one should tell outside the family that something is going on)

13. The emergence of addiction (the wives of alcoholics may start drinking themselves, some of them are motivated by “so that he gets less” or “so that he doesn’t leave the house”; the development of dependence on food is common)

Late stage.

1. Constantly depressed mood.

2. Developed dependence.

3. Feeling of emptiness and indifference.

4. Hopelessness

5. The appearance of stress-related diseases (hypertension, stomach ulcers, etc.)

6. Intensifying attempts at control, even to the point of violence (all sorts of psychotropic drugs can be added to vodka, bandits can be invited “to teach a lesson”)

Based on these parameters, those who assess themselves as codependent can estimate the degree of development of the disorder in themselves.

Codependent– someone who has allowed another person's behavior to influence their own. A codependent is obsessed with controlling the behavior of the addicted (for example, alcohol) person.

Codependent behavior- this is a type of adaptation, the purpose of which is to satisfy one’s needs through caring for someone who, for some reason, is not able to take care of himself. As the savior role progresses, the codependent forgets about his own needs and problems. As a result, even if a physical breakup occurs with an addicted person, codependents transfer the virus of their “disease” to future relationships.

The behavior of codependents is manifested in too much guardianship, taking full responsibility for the financial and emotional well-being of another person, lying and hiding from others the negative consequences of the addict’s behavior in order to continue to remain in a relationship with him. In the long term, rescuers become completely responsible for their partners, and their own mental and physical health disintegrates. It is also believed that “helpful people” have serious problems with self-control.

You are codependent if:

• You feel dependent on people, you have a feeling of being trapped in humiliating and controlling relationships;
• See the meaning of your life in your relationship with your partner, focus all your attention on what he is doing.
• You use relationships the way some people use alcohol or drugs, becoming dependent on the other person and thinking that you cannot exist and function independently.
• If you tend to perceive other people's problems as your own, which indicates that you are not able to determine your psychological boundaries. You don’t know where your boundaries end and where other people’s boundaries begin.
• You have low self-esteem and therefore have an obsessive need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well for you;
• Always try to make a good impression on others. If you often try to please other people without trusting your own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.
• You listen to other people's opinions and do not defend your own views and opinions.
• You try to become necessary to other people. If you are ready to “break yourself” to do something that, in your opinion, only you can do for other people, although in fact other people can do it perfectly well for themselves.
• You play the role of a martyr. You suffer, however, you do it nobly. You are ready to put up with situations that are unbearable for you, because you believe that it is your duty to do just that.
• You are confident that you can control other people and are constantly trying to do this, without admitting to yourself that you never succeed “perfectly”.
• If you don't understand what's going on with your feelings, or don't trust them, and only express them when you think you can afford it.
• If you are gullible and often find yourself in situations in life where other people deceive you or do not meet your expectations.

Codependency Test

Read the statements below carefully and put in front of each item the number that reflects your perception of this statement. You should not think long about the answers to the proposed judgments. Choose the answer that most closely matches your opinion.

Test questions:

1. I find it difficult to make decisions.
2. It's hard for me to say no.
3. I have a hard time accepting compliments as something I deserve.
4. Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems to focus on.
5. I usually don't do for others what they can do for themselves.
6. If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
7. I don't worry too much.
8. I tell myself that everything will be better for me when those close to me change and stop doing what they are doing now.
9. It seems like in my relationships I always do everything for others and they rarely do anything for me.
10. Sometimes I become so focused on the other person that I neglect other relationships and things I should be responsible for.
11. It seems like I often find myself involved in relationships that hurt me.
12. I hide my true feelings from others.
13. When someone offends me, I carry it inside me for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
14. To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I want.
15. I often have fear or a feeling of impending disaster.
16. I often put the needs of others above my own.

To get the sum of points, reverse the point values ​​for points 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, then replace it with 6 points, 2 with 5 points, 3 with 4 points, 6 with 1 point, 5 with 2 points , 4 - by 3 points) and then add up.

Point amounts:

16-32 is the norm,

33-60 - moderately severe codependency,

61-96 - pronounced codependency.

If a person prone to codependency finds himself in a close relationship with an addicted person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then codependency becomes a disease. Without treatment, codependency progresses over time and deprives a person of the ability to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a codependent person manages to break off such a relationship, he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds a new relationship with the addict again.

Independent exit from codependency.

Disclaimer of complicity depending is very difficult. Relatives of addicted people sometimes feel as if they are being asked to abandon their loved one. What it really means is that I need to get back to myself . Important take into account (just take into account) feelings of a loved one in their actions and support him, but at the same time it is necessary to clearly delineate areas of responsibility (not to do for him what he can do himself, not to think for him, not to wish for him). Don't let others take advantage of your feelings and your love.

Codependent people also need the help of a psychologist. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact that you need to start helping yourself. But this is the only way you can learn to build warm and close relationships without compromising your own interests.

Is it possible to get out of a codependent relationship on your own (opinion of psychotherapist Anastasia Fokina):

I get asked these questions so often, and I answer them so often with comments on various posts, that it doesn’t help at all, since questions continue to be asked. Indeed, it can be quite difficult to finish reading the entire cloud of comments; often I myself forget where exactly I answered such questions in order to provide a link. So I finally decided to dedicate a whole post to answering it.

Here are the questions:

If you can’t get out of a codependent relationship (my note)) on your own, then how can you?
With the help of a therapist?
And if there is only one partner in therapy, is there a chance? Because you can’t drag the second one there for anything.
Hopefully, changes in one thing will lead to a change in the dynamics of the relationship. What do you think about it?

So here's what I think about this:
Dependence, the formation of which is caused by an early traumatic situation in a primary relationship, is practically not processed by the psyche itself without the support of a therapist, and sometimes more than one. The fact is that the “laying” of the origins of the difficulties that an adult already faces is often so deep that even their simple understanding, that is, bringing them to consciousness, can be very difficult. Moreover, you have to realize a lot again.

Your real relationship with your parents, what was it really like?
Did your parents love you and what kind of love was that?
Were your parents good or bad? What were they really like?
Are people, in principle, only bad or only good?
Did what happened to you in the past depend on you? And now?
What can you really change and what can't you? What are your limits? Your responsibility?
What are you really like? What is your contribution to your life's difficulties? And many, many others.

But here it is clear that simply recognizing them will not lead to an improvement in the situation in life; you will have to rethink, experience, process and learn a lot in order for life to improve. Therefore, I’m not the only one who thinks that with such profound things you need to go to a specialist and be prepared to spend a lot of time on it. Those mental defenses that people with early trauma have can be very difficult not only for independent work, but also for working in therapy with a therapist.
In addition, you will need someone on whom you can now count, with whom you can restore lost trust. From whom it will be possible to learn something, including the fact that all people are dependent on each other in one way or another, that needing something from others and receiving is not a sign of weakness, and also receive the implementation of those functions which your personality was not enough for development at one time.
Of course, I don’t want to say that you can’t do anything on your own. This is far from true. Often people send me letters saying that reading my diary helped them a lot in solving their problems. Did the journal really help? Perhaps he provided just some direction, some understanding, some outside perspective that the person needed. The work, of course, was done by the man himself. Sometimes the work is very big. But this suggests that he has developed those functions that another may not have, and his work alone will not be so successful.

In addition, codependency is the difficulty of being with someone, the difficulty of creating and maintaining relationships, the inability to receive satisfaction from relationships due to broken trust. Trauma often creates an impenetrable cocoon of protection around the core of a person’s personality from any encroachment by the love of others. Coping with serious forms of such protection on your own is unrealistic. Restoring trust in others alone is also an impossible thing; on the contrary, it is only strengthening the bastions of defense, strengthening the idea on which the life of a rejected child is often based. Namely: “I have to cope with everything alone.” Sometimes it is this statement that needs to be changed, and it can only be changed with the experience of trust.

Sometimes, in less difficult cases, a person can do a lot for himself with the help of reflection, cultivating awareness, bodily practices, and creativity.
I’m only saying that processing early trauma implies a very deep immersion into oneself, in which case a person needs a relationship with another both as a missing resource, and as an insurance and guarantee that it will be possible to return from there and this journey will not become so dangerous to be afraid to commit it.

Will one partner's movement towards recovery help the relationship as a whole? Because “dragging” the other into therapy ahead of themselves (and others generally see the root of all troubles in the other), trying in every possible way to save the partner, “explain” to him, “let him understand” and so on - this is exactly “it”, obvious a sign of your codependency.

Sometimes your recovery means your relationship does change, but not always for the better. If your partner is interested in your dependence on him or in his deep dependence on you, then your refusal to always serve him as a “donor”, ​​to be his soul mate, to complement him, to do something for him that he does not want to learn himself, can greatly upset, and he can break off the relationship and go look for a new “donor”-rescuer. It may happen that a relationship in which there is no development will bore you first, and then you will break it off, going to look for another, healthier and more relationship-oriented person.

Another scenario for the development of the situation may occur: your partner, seeing the improvement in the quality of your life, may begin to feel envy and feel his own interest in such an improvement. In this case, later, he can find himself a therapist.
In some cases, indeed, if your partner was more stable than you, the relationship can “get better” only thanks to your efforts in working on yourself. In such cases, you will begin to turn towards your partner in different directions than before, and you may also find him somewhat different than you saw him before.

Your relationship may still be codependent, but you may find it more satisfying. Therefore, not everyone and not everyone may need therapy. And not everyone considers it something useful for themselves.
You may remain traumatized, but your life may be good enough for you without therapy, which means you have had enough compensation.
THERAPY IS NOT NEEDED FOR ALL PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, CODEPENDENCY RELATIONSHIPS IS THE NORM OF TODAY, AND NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE THIS. THIS (the fact that someone does not want to change anything globally) IS NOT A PROBLEM, YOU CAN COMPLETELY LIVE WITH THIS.

In order to decide on therapy, you need strong motivation to really do something for yourself, create, change, or, on the contrary, accept what is available, which will also ultimately change something.
If a person says: “Well, I really want to go to therapy, but I just don’t have enough time, money, a good therapist, strength, or emphasize what is needed,” this means that it’s probably worth just taking a more honest look at your opposite desire. You're not there, you don't have it. This means that now you want something else. It is important to accept and respect your decisions, whatever they may be.

The secret of overcoming codependency (opinion of Mark Ifraimov)

Before you read this secret, I ask you to remember: reading deciphered secrets will never replace practice, action, in other words, body movements. Without practice nothing will happen. Use my gift. And if you are an arranger, my technique will very quickly allow your client to achieve the result for which he turns to you.

Codependency is a form of symbiosis

Codependency comes from symbiosis.

The child and mother are initially a single, integral being. Just like the heart or liver are an integral part of the body.

The child eats with his mother, breathes with her, lives with her. He is connected to her by an umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is for him a way of transmitting life from his mother to him.

We are so accustomed to this fact that we do not notice obvious things. Obviously, during 9 months of life through the umbilical cord, we get used to being part of our mother, part of her joys and sorrows.

For the sake of our greater part, we, as a small part, as the creation of our mother, are ready to make any sacrifice. For her sake, we will suffer, save, and blame all our lives. Until she becomes happy.

Or until we understand that we made all these childhood decisions as a being in the stage of symbiosis, dependent through the umbilical cord on the one who gave life, gave food and the opportunity to breathe.

I want you to understand my words correctly: each of us loves our mother so much because we are part of her, but we do not realize that we made most of our decisions that make us suffer and not achieve our desires during symbiosis with our mother. , who herself has not yet had time to self-realize as an integral personality.

When we cannot create the life we ​​dream of, we are codependent. We immerse ourselves in the role of victim, accuser or savior in order to use this role to make the mother and the one for whom she suffers happier.

Mom may suffer because of our father, because of her father, because of her mother, because of someone. It doesn't matter who makes her suffer. It is important to understand that her suffering makes us limited in our ability to create, unfree, dependent on her happiness and mood.

We need a way out of codependency with her, from dependence on her condition.

The umbilical cord is the magic key to the gates of freedom

Cutting the umbilical cord at birth does not make us free. We are so helpless, weak and unconscious that immediately cutting the umbilical cord only worsens our situation.

By delaying cord clamping, you reduce the risk of iron deficiency anemia in your baby. Increasing evidence suggests that early cord clamping is not the best practice and can lead to health problems. Globally, about a quarter of all preschool children suffer from iron deficiency anemia, which can negatively affect the development of a child's brain and nervous system.

Some more food for thought:

In the museum of Altai culture you can see strange ethnic bags that women tied to their belts and kept the umbilical cords of their children in them. They knitted bags during pregnancy. Then the umbilical cord was dried and was not removed from the belt. As soon as a child fell ill, they crushed small particles into a hot drink, gave it to him to drink, and the child recovered.

Scientists began studying dried umbilical cord and discovered that the immune components contained in the umbilical cord are unique and ideal for the child to whom the umbilical cord belongs.

The umbilical cord is the bridge between the child and the mother, which returns the child to health, vitality and independence, no matter how strange it may sound.

What should those who feel insecure, depressed, lacking the strength to achieve their goals, unworthy of being close to a cool, high-status life partner, dependent on other people’s opinions, do?

Answer: use the conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with your mother and, by consciously connecting with her, gain the opportunity to become a mature, independent person.

Synchronized breathing

Firstly, what is a conditional umbilical cord?

The umbilical cord is a connection with the mother, synchronization with her. As your mother breathed, so did you breathe through the umbilical cord, being in her belly. What she ate was what you ate too.

Nothing has changed in principle. Now you have the same habits that your mother instilled in you since childhood.

But if you now consciously return to symbiosis with your mother, then, having completed your gestalt with her, having satisfied your unsatisfied needs, you will be able to get out of codependency.

To do this, you use an analogue of the umbilical cord - synchronized breathing.

Synchronized breathing is breathing where inhalations and exhalations are performed synchronously, without a pause. Inhalation is carried out consciously, with the use of effort, and as you exhale, you simply let go of the body and it itself, without effort, exhales.

Try right now to inhale through your mouth or nose, and then release your body and exhale (the same way you inhaled: if you inhaled through your mouth, then exhale through your mouth, if you inhaled through your nose, then exhale through your nose). And try to breathe like this for 10 seconds. Did it work? You see - everything is simple.

Secondly, what does it mean to use the conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with your mother?

This means using synchronized breathing in order to breathe together with your mother your state of unity with her.

Is mom's presence necessary at this moment? No, your real mother's presence is not necessary. But we need to put in her deputy instead and breathe with him.

Techniques for getting out of codependency

I think you are now ready for the complete technique for overcoming codependency.

Ask someone close to you, preferably female, for example, a friend, to become your mother for 20 minutes.

As in a normal arrangement, appoint her as your mother. Place your hands on her shoulders from behind and tell her: “Now you are not you (not Masha, for example), now you are my mother.”

Stand facing her, hug her and begin to breathe synchronously with her, adjusting to her pace and breathing rhythm. When you fully enter into synchronized breathing, remember everything that bothered you in your relationship with her and breathe out your feelings and thoughts.

The word “breathe” literally means: breathe at the moment when you think or feel something. Just breathe and stay in sync.

Breathe until you move from pain and heaviness to lightness and release. Your subconscious mind itself knows what it is to breathe through your feelings and thoughts. Your body will free itself from discomfort.

When you feel light, you can stop synchronous breathing with the deputy and remove him from the role of your mother, saying: “Now you are not my mother. Now you are you (Masha, for example).”

Thank your deputy.

Me and Not Me. What's the trick?

Why does this technique help you overcome codependency?

Any psychologist can explain to you the mechanism of human projection.

Projection is the tendency to make the environment responsible for what comes from the person himself (F. Pearls).

In other words, projection is the transfer of one’s attitude towards someone from one’s early childhood experiences onto one’s current environment.

And even simpler, the way you treat your mother is the way you treat all women. The way you treat your father is the way you treat all men.

When your umbilical cord was cut, you slowly forgot that you and your mother were once one, you began to consider yourself “I”, and her “Not I”.

In the world of individual objects, it seems to us that this is how it is: mom and I are different.

But the unmet needs that existed at the time the umbilical cord was clamped still force you to look for a way to make the parent happy. The main unsatisfied need at that time was and remains - the need for unity.

Your unity with your mother was broken at a time when you were not ready for it. Violation of this need could cause you to protest and lead you to another need - the need for reproach. You can read more about this in Stephen Wolinsky’s book “Love Relationships.”

The illusion that there is a Me and a Not Me is what makes people suffer, protest, be revolutionaries, go to war, fight against someone, condemn and kill. These are all forms of codependency.

And it all starts with one moment in life: with the observation that mom is unhappy.

When you, through synchronized breathing, merge into one being with the one you denied, the illusion of separation disappears, and you understand at the level of sensations that you can accept another person.

YOU AND HE ARE EQUAL. EQUAL.

This equanimity is the way out of codependency. And you no longer need to feel like an insignificant, unworthy person next to someone who is very dear to you. You are no longer a victim, an accuser, or a rescuer. You don't need burning huts and galloping horses to prove your love.

From now on, you can simply enjoy yourself, being at one with the world and life. Because mom is the world and life.

And you can do the same technique with your father. After all, the father, as Hellinger said, is the key to the world. Father is your strength, respect for you, and therefore material well-being, money.

I want you to have a good understanding of how your personal stability and well-being is achieved in all areas of your life. Just connect with your roots, mom and dad, stop separating them from yourself at the moment when you yourself have not yet established yourself as a person, and all their power will come to you and fill you with love that other people will want to be attracted to you. Like members of your family. Or like your customers.

The secret to getting out of codependency is real unification. As equal to equal.

Synchronized breathing is a tool for overcoming codependency. Believe me, until you include your body in this process, and only think about this concept with your mind, nothing will change.

You will still be looking for a soul mate (see the article Looking for a soul mate? You have codependency, after all!), the true purpose of which will be to find for yourself a resource for your own safety in the person of this half. So that this half does for you what parents, mom or dad should do: ensure survival, satisfy needs, give pleasure.

And the other half will always try to avoid fulfilling the parental functions assigned to her. As a result, he/she will either run away or begin to sabotage sex with you, because parents do not sleep with their children. And you will have no choice but to be disappointed in your other half or in yourself and start looking for a new one.

But when you complete your gestalt with your parents and are psychologically born, having realized and satisfied all your needs in relationships with mom and dad, you yourself will become that Source of satisfying the needs of other people, to which both “halves” and mature individuals will reach out.

There you will be able to consciously choose your life partner, your conscious love. With this person you will become not 0.5+0.5 = 1, but 1+1=3.

Why three? Because synergy will work. That is, your joint creativity will create something more in the world than just a union of two. You will be able to create global value. What will remain for your descendants after your life. This is what everyone wants. Something that makes you feel inspired and inspire those around you.