Passive-aggressive personalities. How to Protect yourself from Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which expressions of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the negative remarks of the opponent is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it is possible to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.
The main feature of a passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. He has a lot of resentment, anger, aggression, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they don’t want, what doesn’t suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, and wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem like a good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything – he’s a real godsend! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?
1. They don't say no
To say directly, to your face, that he doesn’t like something, that he doesn’t want to and won’t do it, oh no, a passive aggressor will never dare to do that. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but doesn’t do it. He will “forget” about the deadline, “will not have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really simply did not want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just so as not to go to the theater with you.
2. They sabotage
If at work a passive aggressive person is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and delays until the last moment. Instead of honestly saying, “I’m having problems with this project and I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency as best they can - in the hope that everything will somehow solve itself and the task will be passed on to someone else.
3. They avoid direct confrontation.
Even when feeling hurt to the core, a passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel...”
4. They suppress anger
In their picture of the world, any disagreement, dissatisfaction, anger or resentment is better to be swept under the rug, rather than brought out. More than anything else, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens to those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestations of feelings, as well as to those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly swore, and even attacked each other with their fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives negative experiences even a little freedom, a monster will burst out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all living things around.
5. They won't admit how they really feel.
It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy a good relationship (or rather than appear angry). In a couple, the passive aggressor will never be the first to say that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he answers: “Nothing,” “Everything is fine,” “I’m great.” But his voice from a mile away demonstrates that everything is not at all okay or great. You are trying to figure it out, have a heart-to-heart talk, but it didn’t work out: it’s as silent as in a tank.
6. They play the silent game
When angry, such a partner does not explode, but withdraws and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can remain silent for hours, days, weeks. Doesn't answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, that you offended him in some way. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your incorrigible guilt? Look what you want - everyone can do it! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated torture they will not tell you or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would it be better if they beat you? No, you can't wait!
7. They provoke you to anger.
And avoidance of open adult dialogue, and games of silence, and the favorite “Do as you know, you don’t care anyway...” - all this sooner or later brings you to the point of white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, gotcha! This is exactly what the passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted from you (most likely, unconsciously - at least something to justify him). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can rightfully consider you bad, angry, unrestrained... Actually, he thought so. Well, of course, he didn’t expect anything else from you. He, of course, hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle... In general, having provoked you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem in full, but for himself will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible, uncontrollable element, it must be restrained with all one’s strength, and building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, it’s dangerous.
8. They manipulate
Passive aggressors constantly press their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying “no.” And if they need something, they follow complex, roundabout paths. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, make heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a strangulated hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.
9. They do bad things behind your back
They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly treated, instead of direct confrontation they choose secret methods of revenge - spreading a nasty rumor about someone, sending an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.
10. They pass the buck
As is easy to see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like he is the master of his fate; he constantly blames life, circumstances, and other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all your loved one's misfortunes. Everything counts: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, you did not guess why he was offended, you gave him unsuccessful advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply the fact that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it was one of your parents) ruined this life completely.
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Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is actions that express anger, but look to the person himself as unintentional mistakes. Usually passive-aggressive behavior is people who, due to their beliefs or upbringing, cannot express anger at another person or refuse him something. .
An example of passive-aggressive behavior: a parent asks a child to clean the floors, but the child does not want to do it. He can’t refuse, so he washes the floors, but it’s so bad that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to ensure that the parents no longer ask the child to clean the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry about something for his parents, so it gives him special pleasure to watch the parent get angry and wash the floors himself.
One more example. The girl is angry with her boyfriend because he does not propose marriage to her, but she cannot express her anger, because she believes that the girl should not impose herself. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy really values order, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is to him.
If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger, or takes revenge on purpose, he will feel a strong sense of guilt because he believes that doing so is wrong. However, if he does something bad not intentionally, but accidentally, then they rarely get angry at him in return, because it is not his fault. When there is a ban on the expression of negative emotions, they still manifest themselves in behavior in one way or another: either in irritated intonation or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.
What are passive-aggressive behaviors? One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors is to forget something important to another person, such as buying something that the other person cannot eat without, or forgetting papers that are important to that person. Constantly being 20-40 minutes late, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.
The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to get back at another person for something, most often for one's inability to say “no” when that person asks for something. The passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant for himself, unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and watches how the other person is upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.
The second goal is to get away with revenge yourself. If we commit actions that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their dissatisfaction, reciprocal anger, or refusal of some action we need. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually not viewed by others as intentional, and therefore results in avoidance of immediate retribution, although the relationship gradually deteriorates as the other person still becomes angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.
If you are communicating with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with him, then I advise you to ensure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When something in another person's behavior angers you, express your irritation and insist that the behavior stop; say that it doesn’t matter to you whether the person does this accidentally or on purpose.
You cannot force another person to act differently, but you can help them understand the purpose of such actions. Most often, in this case, a person will stop doing this if his relationship with you is important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.
Find and reveal the reasons for passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: “It seems to me that you didn’t want to do this for me, but you didn’t tell me no, and now you forgot this and thus took revenge on me.” Usually unconscious manipulations cannot be carried out further if the person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. This awareness can happen if you repeatedly connect something that may have upset the person and something that he “accidentally” did.
Passive-aggressive personalities
People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which indicates their reluctance to receive recognition and support from people in authority.
Their main problem is the conflict between the desire to receive the benefits that the authorities and resource owners offer, and the desire to maintain their independence. Consequently, they try to maintain relationships by becoming passive and submissive, but when they feel they have lost their independence, they subvert authority.
These people may perceive themselves as self-sufficient but vulnerable to outside intrusion. However, they are drawn to strong people and organizations because they crave social approval and support.
The desire to “join in” often clashes with the fear of invasion and influence from others. However, they perceive others as intrusive, demanding, interfering, controlling and dominant. Passive-aggressive individuals are especially likely to think this way about people in positions of power. And at the same time, they are considered capable of acceptance, support and care.
The internal hidden beliefs of a passive-aggressive person are associated with the following ideas: “I cannot bear to be controlled by others,” “I must do things my own way,” “I deserve approval for everything I have done.”
Their conflicts are expressed in a clash of beliefs: “I need someone with power and authority to support me and take care of me” versus: “I must protect my independence and autonomy,” “If I adhere to other people’s rules, I lose freedom of action.” .
The behavior of such people is expressed in postponing actions that the authorities expect from them, or in superficial submission, but non-submission in essence. Typically, such a person resists the demands of others, both in the professional field and in personal relationships. But she does this in an indirect way: she delays work, gets offended, “forgets,” complains that she is not understood or underestimated.
The main threat and fears are related to loss of approval and decrease in independence. Their strategy is to strengthen their independence through covert opposition to people in power, and at the same time through visible seeking of their protection.
Passive-aggressive individuals try to evade rules or circumvent them through covert defiance. They are often destructive, which takes the form of not completing work on time, not attending class, and similar behavior.
Despite this, at first glance, due to the need for approval, such people may try hard to appear obedient and accepting of authority. They are often passive and generally tend to take the path of least resistance, avoiding competitive situations and acting alone.
A typical emotion of passive-aggressive individuals is pent-up anger, which is associated with opposition to the rules established by authority. It is quite conscious and is replaced by anxiety in anticipation of repression and the threat of the cessation of power supply.
Passive-aggressive people are sensitive to anything that they perceive as a lack of respect or, in their opinion, an insufficient assessment of their personality. If you ask for something in a harsh manner or with a blank expression, they will most likely immediately become hostile.
However, put yourself in their shoes: how did you react the last time your boss dryly or harshly ordered you to do something? Even if you don't object to the nature of the order, you may be tempted to ignore the order because the boss's arrogant appearance and tone are irritating.
Passive-aggressive individuals often experience hidden anger, so being polite and friendly to them will make life a lot easier. And if your request or demand makes them uncomfortable, try to express your sympathy and understanding of the situation with a few friendly but respectful (not familiar!) phrases.
Compare two options for communicating with a waiter. First: “What kind of service?!” Can't it be faster?" Second: “I’m in a hurry! I see that the restaurant is busy and you have your hands full, but if you could serve me faster, I would be grateful to you.”
Of course, neither approach guarantees results. But by accepting the first one, you are likely to provoke another passive-aggressive reaction. The waiter, even if he speeds up, will find an opportunity to “punish” you in another way: he will “forget” to bring cutlery or one of the dishes, he will “disappear” when you are about to pay, or he will seat a noisy group at the next table.
A passive-aggressive person more often expresses his aggressiveness indirectly, believing that this way there is much less risk. In some cases, this actually works and reinforces the chosen behavior. But if you can get such a person to openly express his dissatisfaction, this will allow him to discuss the problem and, possibly, find a mutually acceptable solution.
If this is a person with whom you will have to interact more than once, the tactic of ignoring his indirect aggression is not the most constructive or useful. Try not to pretend that you don't notice the dissatisfaction. If your significant other or coworker is sulking at you, you may be tempted to remain silent and not react until everything passes. But, alas, in most cases this does not go away on its own.
Don't forget that passive-aggressive behavior is almost always some kind of signal or call. If you don't perceive it, the passive-aggressive type is likely to turn up the wattage until you respond one way or another. Failure to achieve a goal often inflames such people. For example, a question can push such an interlocutor to relax or move into an open dialogue: “It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something. Or I'm wrong?"
In dialogue, try not to criticize passive-aggressive people, giving them the image of parents lecturing. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a vicious circle of mutual vengeance.
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According to American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to take traffic jams, burning projects and uncooperative partners by storm. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore difficult to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most subtle and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more destructive to a marriage than the expression of direct aggression.
The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering." “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one at whom it is directed,” says Galina Turetskaya, a candidate of psychological sciences and a practicing coach in the field of creating relationships. “It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of being rejected, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only he puts it in “decent” forms: he avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs up a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still turn a blind eye to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: against the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.
DESIRE PLUS FEAR
“You can’t rely on my husband: he promises to do something, and then puts it off for a long time, invents reasons, and lets everything take its course. It’s easier to pick up the suit from the dry cleaner yourself, although he promised to do it on the way.
And for me - an extra hour with an uncomfortable cover on public transport. And so in everything! — Larisa shares (32). “When too many little things like this accumulate, I explode and scream. And in vain, because he didn’t seem to do anything like that - I myself didn’t wait for his help. I feel ashamed for being hysterical. But I want to make a scandal, because time passes and nothing changes.”
First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, and guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are also a person and have the right to emotions. By suppressing anger, you risk becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Don’t lead to an explosion: when faced with something that doesn’t suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate the problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you,” advises Galina Turetskaya.
The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of becoming dependent is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither retaliatory ignoring (running off to different corners), nor irritation, nor showing increased concern will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. “It’s important to maintain calm and a positive attitude, showing with your appearance: I’m ready for dialogue, but you’ll have to take a step.” After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of.” Is the suit dry cleaned? Let him wait there in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility that has been transferred to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, don’t try to catch him in a lie - he could actually be late at work. But even if he sat there until the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, the excuses are still the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, as the partner gains experience actively participating in the relationship, he will be able to take on more responsibility.
MASCILITY TEST
Psychoanalyst and genetic psychology specialist Dmitry Kalinsky notes: at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society instructs us to be soft and non-conflict. Under pressure from the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing a relationship, aggression takes hidden forms.
“Ivan and I have been dating for several months, and I would really like this relationship to develop into marriage,” admits Marina (27). “But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t understand me.” Recently, knowing that I was working at home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn’t explain that I couldn’t give him time, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. She took the bouquet over the threshold and excused herself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended.” If a man behaved incorrectly, open war could be declared against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be close - there’s nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression are used, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you give your partner “lice checks”, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides - capriciousness, irritability, games of silence, nagging with or without reason. All of these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a slightly different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: “Love me like this - and then I will believe that you really love me.” But you cannot control the line beyond which slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It’s good if your hero turns out to be experienced and patient enough to go through the probationary period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who still do not understand who is to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to consult a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate mistrust in the man.
DO YOU TRUST ME?
“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). — My boyfriend called and asked how I was feeling, began to console me, and advised me something. The more he talked, the angrier I became. Later I sent him a text saying that I felt bad, I would go to my parents for a while, and when I returned, I would call back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, to feel sorry for me, to hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard an aloof “Hello”. The old warmth has disappeared somewhere, we have moved away from each other.”
The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in the partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, prevaricate. The beloved “catches the air with his hands.” And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with the passive aggressor, it would become clear that he himself is not happy with this development of the relationship. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even greater suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repeated pattern of behavior) is formed in childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, the child for some reason failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not hold him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby lacked emotional and physical contact; the basic need was not satisfied. That is why, in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Simultaneously with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and receiving it, he begins to prevaricate.
According to Natalya Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this type of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best solution is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Internal pain and mistrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and give up the idea of intimacy.
How to recognize a passive aggressor
Puts things off until later until it is too late.
Does not keep promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.
Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.
Expresses his position unclearly and confuses his tracks.
Doesn't show attention: doesn't call, doesn't write SMS.
Sends conflicting signals: for example, he talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.
Never apologizes.
4 Strategies for Effectively Dealing with a Passive Aggressor from Signe Whitson, author of The Evil Smile:
psychology of passive-aggressive behavior in the family and at work":
1 Recognize the signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: procrastination, ignoring, keeping silent, avoiding discussing a problem, gossip.
2 Don't give in to provocations. The subconscious goal of a passive aggressive person is to make you angry. If you feel yourself starting to boil, try calmly expressing your negativity: “I won’t shout because it will only make the situation worse.”
3 Point out to the passive aggressor the anger he is experiencing - such people ignore this particular emotion. Your opinion must be supported by a specific fact: “I think you are angry with me now because I asked you to do this.”
TEXT: Galina Turova
Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.
For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.
Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.
Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?
Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.
Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!
Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”
Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!
What unites all these different people?
What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.
Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.
And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.
Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.
But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.
In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.
How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?
- In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
- In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
- In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
- In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
- Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
- Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…
In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.
The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.
As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.
How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?
The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.
The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).
Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.
Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).
Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).
And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.
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