Doing what you want is the only way to live life correctly. How to do something you don't want to do

Many self-development books have this maxim:

Do only what you want to do!

It is certainly correct from the point of view of self-improvement and development of one’s own talents, hobbies and life interests. There's just one catch: how to start doing what you want? Why do we so often put off until later those things that are interesting to us and that we want to do?

Someone will say that this is a common habit of laziness, someone will call it a popular word today "procrastination", more advanced adherents of psychology will say that it is our internal fears and negative attitudes that prevent us from doing the things we love, etc.

Whatever you call it, things are still there. We prefer to dream and think about our desires, but in practice we don’t move and always put off that uncertain moment when we finally start doing something.

And here comes the feeling of guilt that we are wasting our time so mediocrely. While you are young, you don’t have to worry too much, because everything is still ahead, and life feels endless. But with age, anxiety increases, and a clear realization comes that everything is finite, including life. I want to have time to do something meaningful, or at least just useful.

“The most precious thing a person has is life. It is given to him once, and he must live it in such a way that he is not painfully ashamed of the years spent aimlessly...”
N. Ostrovsky

How to overcome procrastination

The problem is actually not laziness, not procrastination, and not even some kind of fears and negative attitudes hidden in the subconscious. Everything is much simpler, although not so obvious at first glance. There is one very important nuance that many simply overlook:

Do what you want to do at the moment, that is NOW!

The key word here is Now. Not in the sense of stopping Vanya fooling around and getting down to business immediately, but in the sense of starting to do what you want right now, and not in general.

After all, what happens in practice when we think about this difficult topic? Usually we keep in our minds a whole huge bunch of different ideas and thoughts about what we like to do, plus ideas about what we might like, plus some echoes of thoughts or even vague hints about what we always secretly talk about dreamed, but were afraid even to admit it to themselves. Something like this. Right?

And this whole bunch of unfulfilled desires constantly flickers before your eyes, preventing you from focusing on one thing. Well, of course! If I take on this, when will I do this? And if I start with this, then this, then this, and this, when will I start doing it? How do you even find time for everything?! I also need to go to work, talk to my family, and also sleep and eat. Yes, there is an interesting movie, I want to watch it too. There are also books downloaded from the Internet in a wagon and a small cart. When should I read them? Crap! Well, how can we sort through all this mess???

The problem is that we want everything simultaneously.

By the way, awareness of the finitude of existence also makes a decent contribution to this confusion. If we choose one thing, we will regret in advance that we do not have time to do everything else. What if we don’t have time at all? It will be a pity! These are the ones who “lived aimlessly” then. And we rush around mentally, jumping from the fifth to the tenth, trying to take on everything at the same time. To be on time!

But it doesn’t work, dog! And then we try to somehow manage our time in a cunning way so that we can do this, that, and the tenth. Yoga on even days, jogging on odd days, drawing classes on Monday, photography courses on Wednesday, don’t forget to write a blog on Tuesday, and on Thursday go to an exhibition or a museum (I’ve been going there for a hundred years!). Yes, on Monday there will also be an interesting webinar on my favorite topic, I should also listen to it. And on Friday? What the hell am I doing on Friday?! Crap! Already forgot. Here! You also need to buy a diary and write everything down there. Crap!

Also familiar, isn't it? :) I remember back in school I hated all these daily schedules of how and what to do. The maximum I had the patience to follow them was three days. This is the limit. Then everything went on as usual, as it happens.

Don't do what you don't want to do now

And all because you can’t force yourself to do something that YOU ABSOLUTELY DON’T WANT TO DO AT THIS MOMENT!!!

And now we’re not talking about the fact that you have no energy or inspiration at all, and you really need to overcome your laziness to just start moving. It's a different process.

What I’m saying is that you can’t plan all your wishes in advance. It’s impossible to force yourself to want to go to yoga on Monday if you don’t want to, but instead want to lie on the couch with a notebook in your hands and draw something there, or just read an interesting book. We ourselves don’t know what we want in a minute. How can you plan a desire a day in advance, or even several? This is absurd!

That’s why, in the maxim given at the very beginning, one important caveat should be made:

Do only what you want to do now, at this moment!

If you want to sleep - sleep, if you want to read - to hell with yoga, pick up a book, if you want to draw - take the first piece of paper and pen you come across, don’t immediately think about easels, paints, brushes and “how-to-prepare-all-this-for-a-long-time” -in general, there’s no desire to breed dirt...” Do what you want now. If you don't want to do anything, don't do anything! Sit in a chair, look out the window at the clouds just like that. Live!

It is not at all necessary to do something at every moment of your life. Idleness is also a wonderful activity! We have all forgotten how to enjoy idleness, but in childhood we knew how to do it once or twice.

Sometimes it’s enough just to take a slow and deep breath and exhale slowly, look around and say to yourself: “Yoly-paly! How wonderful it is that I am alive at all! That I have both arms and legs, eyes, nose and ears in place, and they all work. That I can move around on my own without anyone’s help, I can breathe, eat and drink freely. That I already have so much that any king of the Middle Ages would be jealous. That any necessary information can be reached in one click on the computer. This is just some kind of fairy tale!!!”

Don't lump everything together. Do what you want to do right now. And so consistently realize what you want at every moment. And do it right away. Let it be a little bit. Let it be short periods of time. A couple of lines in a future book, a few pen strokes in a notebook, a couple of notes or chords on a guitar. You don't need to become a master right away. This is not the most important thing. The main thing is that you will learn to hear yourself, your own. And follow them! And when you learn, then larger things will be successful, and the time for them will miraculously be found on its own.

I really want some tea now. I’ll brew it right now and drink it with pleasure. With a cookie. And to hell with the diet!

“You tell a person: “Do what you want!” And he: “What are you talking about! Is that possible? I see this as a symptom of general neurosis,” writes psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky in a column for.

The advice to “do only what you want” is perceived by many as a call for anarchy. They consider their greatest desires to be base and dangerous for others. People are sure that they are secret lawbreakers and are afraid to give themselves free rein.

I answer: if you consider yourself a good person, then yes. It is possible and necessary. The desires of a good person coincide with the interests of others.

The rules are simple at first glance:

1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Talk about what you don’t like right away.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself. (...)

My rules suggest a way of behavior that is completely unusual for neurotics and, on the contrary, characteristic of mentally healthy people: calm, independent, with high self-esteem, those who love themselves.

The greatest resistance, a lot of questions, doubts, and also accusations addressed to me are caused by point one. They say to me: what is this? “Love yourself, sneeze at everyone, and success awaits you in life”? Although I never talk about “spit on everyone” anywhere.

For some reason, everyone stubbornly believes that living as you want means living at the expense of those around you. In addition, in our society there is a contemptuous attitude towards one’s own desires, as if they must necessarily be base. And vicious. I would even say that our citizens treat their desires with caution or even fear (...). In my opinion, this psychology is called slave psychology. (….)

And “doing what you want” is often confused with “being selfish.” But there is a big difference! The egoist does not accept himself and cannot calm down. He is absolutely fixated on himself, his problems and internal experiences, the main one of which is a feeling of resentment. He cannot help or sympathize with you, not because he is so bad, but because he does not have the mental strength to do so. After all, he has a stormy, exciting relationship with himself. And it seems to everyone that he is insensitive, callous, cold, that he doesn’t care about anyone, but at the same time he thinks that it’s precisely no one who cares about him! And continues to accumulate grievances.

And who is a person who loves himself? This is the one who will always choose the business to which his soul lies. And when you need to decide what to do, he may figure out what is effective, what is reasonable, what his sense of duty dictates, and then he will do as he wants. Even if he loses money on it. And he has a lot to lose. But who should he be offended by? He is fine. He lives among those he loves, he works where he likes... He has everything agreed and harmonious with himself, and therefore he is kind to others and open to the world. He also respects other people's wishes as much as he respects his own. (...)

Wanting to achieve results, many consider it their duty to fight with themselves, suppress emotions, tell themselves: it’s okay, I’ll get used to it! Here is a universal example of such a struggle: on the one hand, she wants to eat, and on the other, she wants to lose weight. And even if he loses weight, he loses. She is at a loss to herself because she still dreams of cake, especially closer to one in the morning.

Well, that's roughly what I tell my clients when I explain the first and probably most important of my six rules. By which, by the way, I myself try to live. And I won’t pretend that it was easy for me.

To “live the way you want” requires a lot of effort at first. The psyche habitually leads you along the path of compromises and fears, and you catch yourself by the hand and say: damn, what am I doing? I don't want this!

And so many times (….). And honestly, life becomes easier and easier. Moreover, after practicing, after some time you can no longer do it any other way.

It is generally accepted that the search for life goals and guidelines is a philosophical issue and is characteristic of highly intelligent individuals. Actually this is not true. People who live in harmony with themselves and enjoy life do not think about such topics. This is the lot of those who have ceased to receive satisfaction from their own actions. When a person has pain in his arm or leg, he begins to pay more attention to it and listen to the sensations. It’s the same with the meaning of life: as soon as a person becomes ill, he immediately loses it and, due to the inability to find peace, begins to “work with his brain” and look for himself.

Life guidelines, or Why we act in one way or another

Parental attitudes play a huge role here. Observing the behavior of our parents, we unconsciously copied their models into our own lives. And not those that they tried to teach us in any way, but those shown by their own example. This could be a father who worked around the clock, or a mother who does not have a job, but is constantly involved in housework and raising children. Honor, loyalty, openness, honesty - all these concepts, to one degree or another, were embedded in us in childhood. Life attitudes are associated with parents’ understanding of what is right and what is wrong. They determine the priority. In my family, for example, they attached great importance to education and culture, although I practically didn’t study at school - I didn’t like it. For many families, higher education, science and art are of great value.

How goals are related to the rationalization of life and why you shouldn’t set them

There are people who live harmoniously: they know how to combine work and leisure and enjoy what they do. But not everyone is capable of this. If a person fails to do this, he begins to rush around and tries to find a suitable activity for himself. In order to somehow live, he works at a job he doesn’t like - to earn money. Realizing that this is not enough, he begins to set goals for himself. For example, learn English in one year or lose 20 kg in nine months. That is, he does not enjoy life and tries to rationalize it. One of the greatest and at the same time inadequate people, Count Tolstoy set himself goals for the year ahead: what to read and learn. He did not live in peace. If a person likes to learn English, he does it; when he gets bored, he stops. This is fine. Many people run for meaning all their lives, and before death they realize that there is none and that all goals and guidelines were false.

When a person feels good, he does not think about goals, meanings, or guidelines. He just lives. He sets goals, but he does it for reasons of self-realization, because he enjoys it. When a person feels bad, he begins to cling to everything possible. Often such people find help in religion, which acts as “crutches” for lost souls: it gives them what they need, since it consists entirely of guidelines, meanings and goals. Freud, himself a devout man, called religion a collective neurosis because it gives something that a person cannot understand on his own.

Questions from guests:

How to stop reacting to stimuli influencing from the outside (changes occurring in the outside world and in your personal life)? They make it difficult to concentrate on a specific task.

The great psychologist Viktor Frankl was a prisoner in a concentration camp, but this did not affect him in any way. He lived his own inner life, separate from the external environment. And he left there as if he had come from another country.

You need to understand that the more independent and self-sufficient you are, the less influence and discomfort you experience. The world is constantly changing. If the situation stresses you out, you have two options: accept it as a given or change it (change the country or city). The stimulus will always exist. You need to either become independent and self-sufficient yourself - then you will pay less attention to the environment, or make a decision - to come to terms with the situation or change it.

Since childhood, I was raised in such a way that a woman is intended to give birth to children, create comfort and family well-being. I had a husband, but we divorced, no children. Now I ask myself the question: what is the meaning of my life?

The meaning of every person's life is in life itself. Children or husband are not the basis, but its components. Stanislavsky said that there is a super task, but besides it there are other tasks. We have many meanings unconsciously. For example, since we are social creatures, we have a biologically inherent desire to live in a group (family), to continue the race. We also have a craving for recognition, which exists as a psychological need. The meaning of life for all people is to live and enjoy it. If you want children, you will find a million ways to have them even without pregnancy.

Every person has been instilled with some patterns since childhood. For example, girls need to get married. This has been going on since 1945, when after 20 years it was no longer possible to get married. Through the older generation, echoes of the war years still reach us. There is no need to get married now. If you love a person, you want to live with him and then have children. This is a healthy situation. The desire to get married quickly is very abstract, just like the common desire among men to have a lot of money and a big car. If you want, you will get married. But this cannot become your meaning. As well as the desire to have children, who, by the way, tend to grow up and leave home.

You cannot use other people to find your meaning. Children cannot be hostages of a mother who “has nothing else but them” and to whom she “gave her whole life.” You cannot give birth to a child for your own understanding. This should only be done if you enjoy tinkering with it. If you are confused about the purpose of your existence, then it is immoral to think that children will give meaning to your life. In this case, they are your hostages.

Growing up in a military family, I was always obliged to do what I was supposed to do. Now I have grown up and have my own family. But the habit remains, and it doesn’t allow me to figure out what I really like and what I don’t. How to learn to understand your desires?

Many of us really don't know what we want. The reason for this is that they have not tried to listen to themselves and do not know how to feel their desires. You need to change your own attitudes and learn: doing what you want is the only way to live life correctly. And if you do everything “by the rules”, “rationally” and “effectively”, then you will not find happiness.

In childhood, people were not taken into account: they were not interested in what he liked and what he didn’t. He grew up, but never learned to understand it. And she continues to live, solving common problems: giving birth and raising children, earning money to support her family.

You need to learn to imagine your future life: how you want it to develop. To do this, you need to start with what you didn’t do as a child. From very simple things. Don't sit down to breakfast in the morning until you realize you're hungry. Eat only what you like (this does not apply to minor children, you are responsible for them). Remember: there is no healthy or unhealthy food (exceptions include foods prohibited by a doctor). An adult can afford to eat what he wants. When choosing the clothes you will wear today, stick to the ones you like. Forget about “gray days” and “dressy weekends”. If you like these clothes, buy them and wear them whenever you want. There will be no other life.

Start with household items. Once you give up doing things that don't bring you pleasure, you will gradually learn to feel your desires. Over time, you will begin to understand what you want to do and how to live your next years. When a person cleans the apartment and washes the dishes all the time, he is not able to realize this. There was a joke about a Jew. When he was dying, he was asked about his last will. He asked for tea with two pieces of sugar, explaining it this way: “At home I drink it with one, and at a party with three, but I like it with two.” Don't let things get to the point of absurdity.

I have a list of things I really want to do. From it I form goals. Where is the line that defines neuroticism, and how do healthy people set goals?

Neuroticism lies in the meaninglessness of goal setting. If you want to learn a foreign language in a year, there must be some kind of goal. For example, you may have a desire to travel around the world, for this you need to speak English (it’s easier this way). You set a time limit of one year because you want to go on a trip faster. If the goal is simply to “learn,” then, firstly, you will get a very low level of the language, and secondly, there is no point in this action: it is not clear why.

Everything must have a specific purpose. If the action is devoid of purpose and motivational background, then the person begins to force himself to do what he does not want, and is constantly distracted.

When a person simply likes to play sports, he does not have the idea of ​​​​doing a hundred pull-ups, unless, of course, he is trying to prove something to himself. He just enjoys it. And he will continue to study, without being distracted by extraneous things and without being lazy, because he wants to.

It is probably impossible to live life without ever straining or doing anything against your will, but you need to strive for this. You need to do something out of necessity, and not by forcing yourself and convincing yourself that you like it. It should come on its own.

If a person has already refused to do what he doesn’t want, but has not yet realized what he likes, is it okay to do nothing?

Absolutely. The thinking of modern man is structured like this: first there is an analysis of the situation, then synthesis. Analysis is when you look at an object and mentally break it down. The eye pays attention only to individual pieces. Then he synthesizes - generalizes. The ability to generalize from a certain amount of information is one of the signs of intelligence. Our ancestors had another process that we lack: they could identify themselves with an object. For example, when they wanted to understand a tree, they merged with it, not dividing it into separate components in their consciousness, but tried to feel it as a whole. In the modern world, this is impossible, because our ancestors had a different rhythm of life and really knew how to relax. There were periods in their lives when they did nothing for many days, and this was normal.

Can you find meaning in life by reading books?

Literature makes no sense. It can neither teach life nor make a person deeper or more intelligent. A writer is a person who knows how to tell exciting stories in brilliant language. There is nothing else in the books. In prisons, people who can tell an interesting story are not touched, because they are considered to be the owners of God's gift. But Dostoevsky and Tolstoy did not explain any meaning to anyone and were far from understanding it themselves. The contents of Dostoevsky's works contain well-written detective stories that you can't tear yourself away from. Not more.

How to find your life’s work and choose a direction for further development?

You can’t immediately figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is a state, not a rational thought. You can't say, "I want to do this." This must be an unconscious psychological need for some activity that brings you pleasure. Artists or writers felt that they wanted to write pictures or poems, and did not shout about it. When you get up in the morning, you should feel joy that the work day is ahead. To achieve this state, you need to treat everything in life in a similar way: learn to do only what you want, and not force yourself. And don't do what you don't want to do. Understand what you like and what you don’t.

By changing your behavior, you can change the parental attitudes ingrained in you as a child. A person is formed until he is five to eight years old, then the brain begins to automatically produce mental reactions that were formed earlier. Reading the situation, the brain finds analogues from childhood and issues a decision that has already been made long ago. The professor claims that it is accepted 20 seconds earlier than the final wording of the question.

By starting to listen to yourself, to realize what you really want, you force your psyche to change your reactions. A change in the reflex arc occurs - existing neural connections collapse and new ones arise. Over time, you will easily understand what you really want.

The next lecture-consultation by Mikhail Labkovsky in the Chocolate Loft will be dedicated to the midlife crisis and will take place on August 24. Tickets are available.

Unlike most people, I love going to doctors. Since childhood, I loved being treated: I liked the cheerfulness and confidence inherent in doctors, the white coats and shiny instruments, the attentive questions - after all, they asked not only my mother, but also me. They spoke to me seriously, as if I were “big,” and at the same time kindly and encouragingly. In general, all my life I perceived going to the clinic as an easy adventure: exciting, but with a happy ending. However, a few years ago I suddenly felt that something had changed. Despite active self-medication, I had a severe sore throat for two weeks, and it became clear that I should see a specialist. But I couldn't. For some reason, this time the thought of doctors gave me a vague but very unpleasant feeling. The mind said that this was necessary, but emotions were actively against it. And this despite my love for doctors!

A month passed, and I couldn’t bring myself to go to the doctor. My throat still hurt, especially unbearable at night. When I complained to my mother about my strange behavior, she suddenly said: “I think I know why you can’t convince yourself to go to an ENT specialist.” And she told a story from my early childhood, when the ENT specialist tried to lubricate my sore throat, and I struggled and cried until my mother and I simply ran out of the office. I listened to her story, and a completely forgotten (more precisely, “repressed” from memory) incident began to be restored with all the details, experiences, and memories. After this conversation I immediately felt at ease. It turns out that from then on I continued to willingly go to other doctors, but at that time a “curse” was imposed on the otolaryngologist by my unconscious. I gathered my courage, reminded myself once again that that episode was in the distant past, and then calmly went to the clinic.

1. Analyze the past

So, if we find it difficult to force ourselves to do something, it’s worth thinking: are there unconscious, but persistent barriers erected by our emotional memory in the distant past? Perhaps they are the ones who influence behavior and block today's motivation? Of course, it is better to carry out such “excavations” with a specialist, but sometimes self-analysis can be quite fruitful.

By remembering and replaying an unpleasant episode, you can reduce the level of hidden pain and resentment

An example from my practice. A client, a young musician, descendant of a musical dynasty, once shared with me a seemingly minor problem. The musical archive of his late grandfather, stored in one of the rooms of his Moscow apartment, has not yet been sorted out. For several months he made attempts to begin this difficult task, but each time he put it off with frustration. “Something inside is preventing me from studying my grandfather’s inheritance, which is generally quite interesting and important for me,” is how he formulated this problem.

We began to explore this “internal obstacle” until we came across a traumatic and therefore repressed memory from my client’s preschool childhood. As it turned out, one day, through a misunderstanding, he took a stack of sheets of music from his grandfather’s work desk (and his grandfather was then alive and well) and painted them with paints. The grandfather was furious: it was his new composition - and punished his grandson quite severely. Since then, all of his grandfather’s papers have become forbidden for the child, marked “do not touch!” Over the years, this episode has “disappeared” from the hero’s memory, moving into an unconscious, but powerfully emotionally charged layer of “unprocessed” memories. As a result of our joint efforts, this unpleasant episode was restored, “played out,” which made it possible to reduce the level of hidden pain and resentment. Soon the young man began to analyze the archive - the “internal obstacle” had lost energy and strength.

2. Do some preliminary preparation

Let's not forget: anticipation creates desire. Sometimes we don’t start tasks that seem necessary simply because we are not ready. My head is occupied with other things. For any serious undertaking, you need to “mature” internally. Gain strength, evaluate and find resources, determine deadlines, work out an action plan, and then everything will go smoothly.

Here is a short life story told by a friend of mine. “The thirteen-year-old daughter begged us to renovate the kitchen and bathroom - you see, she was ashamed to invite friends to our “unkempt hole.” Indeed, repairs were needed for a long time, but how I didn’t want to start it! Discomfort, money, constant cleaning... I delayed the start of this event as much as I could, despite my daughter’s demands. And then a psychologist friend told me about the “preparation” technique. This was what we needed! I immediately planned the start of the renovation - in a month, not earlier. She announced the decision to her daughter and friends so that there would be no opportunity to “sneak away” from her obligations. I agreed with a qualified and reliable team. Together with them I drew up an action plan. I dragged all the things from the future “battlefield”. During this time, I managed to prepare myself mentally: I cleared away my work affairs so that I could run home without delay, and tuned in to the temporary “mobilization mode” of life. And when the deadline approached, I dreamed of starting the renovation as soon as possible. Now I wanted wonderful transformations no less than my daughter, and I was ready for the upcoming trials. This is what it means - preliminary announcement, detailed planning, systematic organization and enhanced moral preparation!

3. Use motivation techniques that suit you

But what if you need to get down to business quickly? You’ll have to urgently look for ways and tools of motivation that are effective specifically for you. In fact, we all know these methods very well; the main thing is to consciously turn to them.

People who are forward-oriented are very motivated by the “image of a future result.” All they have to do is mentally focus on the benefits that they will receive as a result of a successful task, and they immediately begin work. Vivid visualization and imaginary stay in the desired future help some people “move mountains.” Here's a way one wise manager found.

“My job required me to learn German,” he says. - I had neither the desire, nor the time, nor the ability for languages. What to do? Knowing my characteristics, I went to the language group and mentally chose an active, motivated student approximately my age and circle. This student, without even knowing it, became my competitor and the “engine of progress.” There was an excitement - to defeat him, to prove to everyone that I was smarter and more capable than the one who seemed to be the best. The criterion is the final exam and intermediate assessments of the teacher. My competitive, competitive nature did not let me down: within a year of study, the battle was won. I passed the exam perfectly and received more points than my talented classmate. What about the language? Well, of course, I had to learn it. Without this, my victory would not have been possible.”

There is another option in my observation notebook. “As a strong-willed person, I can force myself to do what I need to do, but I don’t want to. Usually willpower is enough for the first step, then it weakens,” said another client of mine, an employee of a large company. - But I found a great way: if I take not one, but two steps towards the result, then I’ll already get involved in the business, and it will be easier to continue. I remember I had to prepare a big presentation at the end of the year. It was necessary to read a lot of reports, collect numbers and facts. At first I tried to divide the work into small steps. But each stage took a lot of energy, since doing all this was boring, painful, dreary. But then I decided to devote the whole day to the presentation - and the work began. I got a taste of dry analytics, delved into the data, and imagined how they could be presented clearly and beautifully. By midnight, the main substantive work was completed - much earlier than planned. And all just because I didn’t stop at the first stage, but moved on. And the further you move, the easier it is - the work you started already takes on meaning, form, meaning, and you already want to bring it to completion.”

Of course, there are many ways to force yourself to work. Your task is to choose what is right for you. Open your diary and look - what tasks are regularly transferred from one week to another? If they are important, why did you condemn them to endless procrastination? It's time to understand this and start implementing them. Without delay. With inspiration. With good results.