The secret to successfully communicating with passive-aggressive individuals. Passive aggression: what is it and how to resist it

Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which expressions of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the negative remarks of the opponent is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it is possible to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.

The main feature of a passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. He has a lot of resentment, anger, aggression, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they don’t want, what doesn’t suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, and wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem like a good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything – he’s a real godsend! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?

1. They don't say no

To say directly, to your face, that he doesn’t like something, that he doesn’t want to and won’t do it, oh no, a passive aggressor will never dare to do that. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but doesn’t do it. He will “forget” about the deadline, “will not have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really simply did not want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just so as not to go to the theater with you.

2. They sabotage

If at work a passive aggressive person is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and delays until the last moment. Instead of honestly saying, “I’m having problems with this project and I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency as best they can - in the hope that everything will somehow solve itself and the task will be passed on to someone else.

3. They avoid direct confrontation.

Even when feeling hurt to the core, a passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel...”

4. They suppress anger

In their picture of the world, any disagreement, dissatisfaction, anger or resentment is better to be swept under the rug, rather than brought out. More than anything else, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens to those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestations of feelings, as well as to those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly swore, and even attacked each other with their fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives negative experiences even a little freedom, a monster will burst out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all living things around.

5. They won't admit how they really feel.

It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy a good relationship (or rather than appear angry). In a couple, the passive aggressor will never be the first to say that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he answers: “Nothing,” “Everything is fine,” “I’m great.” But his voice from a mile away demonstrates that everything is not at all okay or great. You are trying to figure it out, have a heart-to-heart talk, but it didn’t work out: it’s as silent as in a tank.

6. They play the silent game

When angry, such a partner does not explode, but withdraws and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can remain silent for hours, days, weeks. Doesn't answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, that you offended him in some way. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your incorrigible guilt? Look what you want - everyone can do it! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated torture they will not tell you or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would it be better if they beat you? No, you can't wait!

7. They provoke you to anger.

And avoidance of open adult dialogue, and games of silence, and the favorite “Do as you know, you don’t care anyway...” - all this sooner or later brings you to the point of white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, gotcha! This is exactly what the passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted from you (most likely, unconsciously - at least something to justify him). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can rightfully consider you bad, angry, unrestrained... Actually, he thought so. Well, of course, he didn’t expect anything else from you. He, of course, hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle... In general, having provoked you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem in full, but for himself will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible, uncontrollable element, it must be restrained with all one’s strength, and building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, it’s dangerous.

8. They manipulate

Passive aggressors constantly press their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying “no.” And if they need something, they follow complex, roundabout paths. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, make heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a strangulated hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.

9. They do bad things behind your back

They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly treated, instead of direct confrontation they choose secret methods of revenge - spreading a nasty rumor about someone, sending an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.

10. They pass the buck

As is easy to see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like he is the master of his fate; he constantly blames life, circumstances, and other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all your loved one's misfortunes. Everything counts: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, you did not guess why he was offended, you gave him unsuccessful advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply the fact that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it was one of your parents) ruined this life completely.

Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.

For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.

Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.

Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?

Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.

Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!

Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.

Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers, during World War II, who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.

Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of individual behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?

• In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
• In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
• Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.

The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).

Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.

Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.

Don’t say “yes” and “no”, don’t take black and white..."
children's counting rhyme.

"No way, no way." This saying epitomizes a process that psychologists call "passive aggression."

A phrase consisting of two processes that contradict each other. Passivity for us personifies the extreme form of inaction, and aggression is nothing more than the embodiment of the active principle.

Thus, we are dealing with two processes that are opposite in direction, but manage to coexist together.

One of my friends told the story of how she found herself alone with a young man in the compartment of a night train and fought his advances all night. Can you imagine? All night "no whoa, no." How was it necessary to refuse so that the other person would continue not to hear or understand? After all, we were not talking about a deranged rapist, but an ordinary man who showed his desire and was persistent in this.

Another example occurs in my teaching work. A capable and intelligent listener cannot begin the practice. She has everything for this. And we are not talking about self-doubt, this is just a superficial excuse.

In practical classes, she demonstrates good skills and knowledge, asks the right questions and accurately notes deep processes. She has already filed a patent and even rented an office for work. But he doesn’t begin to consult.

To define passive aggression, I want to immediately outline the fact that it can be both a person’s habitual psychological defense and a persistent personal characteristic, an important part of the personality that determines his character and life. Therefore, you can encounter features of the described process both in yourself and in many people at different points in life.

What are the main characteristics of a passive-aggressive personality?

When he enters a room (a process, a relationship, etc.) he is the first to notice shortcomings. He immediately sees that this is not the case and will not remain silent. He will say it in a sharp, ironic, caustic manner. Will pry you off. True, he will do this not directly, not personally, but in an indefinite form to a third party. For example: “Well, of course, it never occurred to anyone to ventilate the room before classes.”

You might admire his ability to see inconsistencies if it were all presented in an ethical manner. But the job of a passive-aggressive personality is not to correct shortcomings. She doesn't care about the result. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle. Not an open battle to win. Namely, a struggle, better hidden, but stubborn and endless.

He will fight everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then with yourself inside. The price doesn't matter. As I already said, the process is important, but not the result.

These are people of process, fighters on invisible fronts with invisible enemies.

In contact with them, you may be surprised at how simple things turn into insurmountable ones. How an easy step becomes impossible, and a simple action turns into an endless confusing process. You are surprised and outraged by why the task was not completed, although there were no obstacles.

Why, instead of a simple decision and action, does a person continue to ask clarifying questions that lead away from the meaning? Why, having agreed yesterday, nothing happened today.

When you are around him, you will inevitably begin to feel angry. It's as if you are being provoked and teased. And when you break down, they immediately point out your bad character or lack of proper upbringing.

Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. It exists, but it is looking for indirect exits. Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. Everything is used to give vent to anger. The main thing is to do this in an indirect way.

So, let’s emphasize the first significant component. There is anger and there is a lot of it. This means that a person has energy. There is a lot of it and it will be enough for everything he needs. Therefore, when our character turns for support and asks for advice, help, support, be careful! Whatever you give him will not be of any use.

My favorite psychological game (Eric Berne, psychological game theory, Transactional Analysis) is called “Yes, but...” It looks like this: you were asked for advice, you gave it, and an objection immediately follows. Yes, says the person asking, but I have already tried it, done it, etc. AND NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED.

If you continue to give other advice and recommendations, then prepare for the same fate to await them. Until a brilliant idea comes to your head, the interlocutor does not need the result. Then what does he need? Now it's time to reveal the second component - passivity.

Passivity in the behavior of a passive-aggressive person is more likely not inaction, but opposition, which is expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that a person is simply not doing something for the sake of a goal. But in reality there is a struggle going on inside him.

He wants a result (who doesn’t?) and resists it. And all his energy, and we remember that there is a lot of it, goes towards resisting this action. Why, you ask, and you would be right? This is, to say the least, strange.

To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person, at the time when this part of the personality is formed. We are at the age of active action from the moment we gain our strength. But we can understand our strength and master it only through contact with others.

Case study:

Maxim grew up an obedient boy. His mother was an extremely anxious woman, full of fears related to her son. These fears made her active in her relationship with him. She knew what a good mother’s child should be like, and that’s why she didn’t listen to Maxim much. Well, how can a little boy know what he needs? And mom always knows.

Therefore, her attitude towards the child resembled more violence than care. From feeding to choosing friends. Swallowing the hated porridge, and then playing the hated scales in the hated music school, Maxim began to look for ways against which his mother was powerless.

For example, he could clench his teeth or pull out. He could simply sit silently over the violin without touching the strings. At these moments, my mother exploded and screamed, but Maxim clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher was almost sobbing from powerlessness and anger, and he just stood and remained silent at the blackboard.

And in his childish mind he derived the formula: “Strength is not in action, but in resistance.” Since he was not allowed to realize and feel his own strength in what he wanted to do, then the only opportunity he was guaranteed to receive pleasure from his own strength was when he resisted something. Sometimes later, in his adult life, he caught himself thinking that he was not against what he was opposing, but he could no longer do anything.

In childhood, a passive-aggressive personality has a dramatic experience of such “soft” and sometimes quite severe violence in the form of care and control from parents. And they decided to take revenge. To take revenge by preventing the parent from seeing the result. Therefore, the best thing you can do is not achieve the goal and not get the result.

To hurt the parent so that, in secret hope, he understands how bad the child is. To ask what you want, instead of forcibly feeding what seems right to the parent. Isn't the highest level of revenge on parents not to become happy? After all, one of the important results of parenthood is a happy child. And depriving a parent of this reward becomes the very unconscious goal that a passive-aggressive person strives for.

And the price is not important here. After all, we are talking about the inner Child, to whom he himself is not yet important. The parent is above all, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, you don’t mind freezing your ears.

Thus, two birds with one stone become a trophy in this battle: the opportunity to feel one’s strength (through resistance) and revenge on the parent (through failure to obtain results).

Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And a person can be sincerely surprised at the lack of results from his actions until he sees that he is his own biggest enemy. That subconsciously he builds the process of action in such a way that the result is impossible. He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, does not notice important details, does not hear recommendations.

Such people are often late, miss crucial meetings and quarrel with the right people. And they always find justifications and explanations for their behavior. And they even sound convincing. Most often, he sees the reason not in himself, but in other people, in circumstances.

Their problem is to express their needs directly using the power of anger. But they are afraid to show anger, since in childhood this was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, anger, and with it strength and energy, is blocked and turned 180,” that is, against oneself.

Life becomes a continuous struggle to overcome difficulties. Like in the famous video in which the client complains of headaches and problems, while she does not see a huge nail in her head.

Another important trait of the passive-aggressive personality is being stuck in an either/or trap. “Either you eat this porridge, or you are not my son,” my mother said. The parent did not give the child a choice. Either you do as I say, or you lose my love. This trap gets firmly stuck in a way of thinking, which makes the selection process extremely difficult.

Such individuals make good critics and detectives, investigative journalists and satirists. Their keen eye will not miss anything.

They are often good and loyal friends, with a subtle sense of humor and a willingness to help. By the way, humor is also their distinguishing feature. They are extremely ironic. The thing is that anger and humor have one similar function: they relieve tension. And since the passive-aggressive person’s anger is blocked, a lot of energy can come out through humor. So they polish it.

On social media, a passive-aggressive personality is easy to spot. Their area is comments. The fact is that they extremely rarely take the initiative. They are inclined to jump on and ride on “someone else’s horse”, to become noticeable at the expense of someone else. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. They provoke the audience and eventually disappear, confirming that the world and people are imperfect.

As clients, passive-aggressive personality is a test for the counselor. The game “Yes, but” will drive anyone into hysterics. Therefore, the main principle in the work is to give the initiative to the client in determining the goal.

Until you receive an answer to the question “What would you like?”, do not offer anything. The therapist in the transference will become the very parent on whom revenge must be taken. And it will be extremely difficult to wait for changes and progress in the client’s life.

The fact that a passive-aggressive person is often very capable and talented gives hope for quick results. In case a person abandons the idea of ​​revenge and begins to master his power through the direct expression of anger. He will learn to say “no” directly, instead of going into ambush and building catacombs for guerrilla actions.

Instead of “either-or” he will begin to use the pronoun “and”. Both, instead of either/or.

I hope that this information will help you better understand people and yourself, and therefore give you the opportunity to improve your quality of life.

Stories about passive-aggressive individuals are increasingly becoming the subject of Hollywood dramas and comedies.

What fate can constant suppression of anger lead to, how and who is hindered from living by types who hide their discontent under a pretty face? And, in general, what is passive aggression and how to deal with it?

Passive-aggressive behavior: what is it?

Since childhood, it has been drilled into our heads that showing anger is bad.

You cannot shout, throw chairs, break plates, call names, be rude and openly angry, otherwise you will be loved and respected less.

You will be known as a nervous person, your friends will run away like cockroaches, you will be demoted... And so, impressed by educational horror stories, we have learned to restrain our anger and mask it.

This is how passive aggression was born, which does much more harm than open anger.

The direct manifestation of dissatisfaction, disagreement, resentment and anger allows us to get rid of obsessive emotions and free the body for good thoughts.

We shake off the nervous ballast the moment it appears. Therefore, anger does not accumulate and the rest of the time we can be peaceful and pleasant individuals.

It’s normal to be dissatisfied with something, and so is giving up an unpleasant activity.

Passive aggression is a consequence of suppressing all negative emotions. That case when grumbling and anger are shoved into the far corner of consciousness, and a sweet smile plays on your face.

It is easy to recognize a passive aggressor by his behavior - he phenomenally sabotages all unloved activities, unknowingly causes harm at home and at work, interferes with the simple happiness of others and slows down all important processes.

He is characterized by clowning and clowning, and his speech can be covered with sarcastic and caustic.

Instead of direct confrontation, he acts secretly, behind his back, never admitting his true desires.

Manifestations of passive aggression

It is thanks to the passive-aggressive personality type that these people do not say “No” if they do not want to do the work.

It’s too early to rejoice at trouble-free talents! After all, they masterfully sabotage the process: do not expect that such specimens will deliver the project on time and with high quality.

They are late for work, put off important tasks until the deadline, regularly get sick and get caught in traffic jams...

What is there! These individuals are subconsciously ready to break their arm just to get an adequate reason for taking time off.

A passive-aggressive person suppresses any manifestations of anger: he does not talk about his feelings, does not refuse unpleasant things, does not express violent emotions with facial expressions, body and gestures.

In a word, at first he does not make it clear to others that he is dissatisfied. He avoids conflicts and keeps silent in the corner with manic diligence.

But after some time, not allowing himself momentary release, he begins to cause mischief. Complain about life, feel sorry for yourself, whisper, gossip, write slander, blame your loved ones for your failed fate.

Very often you can hear from such a person: “Well, it’s clear what was expected: you don’t care at all that I feel bad. You are not interested in my opinion, you only think about yourself. Nobody took care of me."

“Playing the silent game,” detachment, ignoring, the phrase “Everything is fine, don’t worry about me” are typical tricks of such individuals.

You will never know the reasons for their grievances until you figure it out yourself. But even without uttering a word, they manage to be excellent psychological tyrants in the family.

In addition, they are excellent provocateurs: in the end, you will throw your fists at your spouse in anger and break dishes, and he will arrogantly blame you for your uncontrolled, ugly behavior.

Sometimes the unconscious actions of passive-aggressive types seem funny, ridiculous, and illogical.

Instead of simply canceling a date, they “forget” to book a table, step into a meter-long puddle, faint at a bus stop, get poisoned by yesterday’s soup, catch a rare form of SARS, or even board the wrong plane flight.

They seem to sincerely not want to offend or offend anyone, but their behavior should not be confused with politeness and tact.

Where does passive aggression come from?

This is not an innate trait, but a newly acquired trait. Most often, passive-aggressive behavior begins in childhood. There are several ways:

1) Parents often quarreled, shouted, and fought in front of the child, and the expression of anger became “dirty” and defiled for him.

2) Mom and dad forbade the child to show dissatisfaction, swear, yell, cry. “Don’t you dare talk to your elders like that!” He was taught that it was impossible to be offended, that anger was a trait of bad boys and girls, and that no one would love a “mean” person.

3) The parents themselves were passive-aggressive people, and instilled this example of behavior in their child.

As a result, the child is unable, unwilling, ashamed or afraid to express negative emotions. Over time, he finds other ways to get out of unpleasant situations.

Many people today are unaware of their tendency towards passive-aggressive behavior.

After all, over the years, these traits become an integral part of the personality, and if you look at your character under a microscope, it is quite difficult to recognize them.